My husband brought home an all vegetable pizza for dinner so that I could “kickstart” a diet. To be honest, he would have been better off bringing home a girlfriend.
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BOSS: why are you so late?
ME: i definitely wasnt up until 4am watching Hey Arnold ha-ha
BOSS: well i was and i got here on time
[date]
HER: Silence of the Lambs is my favorite movie.
ME: Oh me too.
HER: Which part do you like best?
ME: *sweating* Um, when the lambs stop talking.
January is lasting longer than my marriage
*shuffles around on carpet in fuzzy socks for several minutes*
Okay, let’s go to your stalled car and give this a try.
Don’t buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery
Stranger [after I pushed them out of the way of a speeding bus]: You saved me! Thank you so much!! You must be some kind of superhero?!
Me: As I remain your humble servant, I can assure you, I am but man.
Stranger: Nice to meet you Buttman!
Me: what? no, wait
If you beat a man with a mustache in a fist fight, you get to keep his mustache.
Got in a fight with the wife so I didn’t let her sleep on the couch with me last night.
I opened a bottle of wine to let it breathe.
It didn’t. So I gave it mouth to mouth.
them: did you know …
me: lemme stop you right there, pal you could fill an Amazon warehouse with what I don’t know
When an old lady dies and then her husband dies a couple of weeks later, it isn’t because his heart is broken. It’s because he can’t cook.
mountain lion attacks are on the rise. especially in california. be prepared!
Me: now kiddo, what do we say when we accidentally knock someone’s drink over?
5y/o: (eyes downcast) “goddamnit”
People who say “Don’t shit where you eat” have clearly never heard of Chipotle
Okay this nightmare isn’t going to realize itself
Payday: BUY ALL THE THINGS!!
Day Before Payday: I would like to pay for this taco in pennies.
Someone rang my doorbell twice this morning, so I guess I’m having lunch behind the couch.
Who needs a bull in a china shop when you have a 2-year-old contemplating Grandma’s figurine collection?
Britney Spears’ Slave 4 U is trending on Christmas Eve just like it did that magical night in Bethlehem thousands of years ago. God bless everyone.
Waiter: How do you like your steak, sir?
Sir: Like winning an argument with my wife.
Waiter: Rare it is.
Pilot: welcome aboard
Fighter pilot: [right hook]
Greese be like we go together like shamalamghwejghsdiuoeqwhgiwjrsdkhjkgwidjskbgfiuegkajsfkj
Toh the desire to sin is so great 😜😂😄🤣🤷😜
4: mom was i in your tummy?
me: yep!
4: who is in there now?
me: no one
4: then why is it so big?
husband: oh no
[First Date]
Me: I can’t believe we’re on a date! It’s not cause my fathers rich is it?
Him: No. He’s very handsome too
Me: CHECK PLEASE
I always carry bananas in my purse in case I’m ever chased by bad guys…
…or a giant gorilla.
~Super Mario’s mom probably
PORCUPINE LAWYER: I object, your Honor! He’s badgering the witness!
BADGER LAWYER: Your Honor, he’s being a prick!
SKUNK JUDGE: [slamming gavel] Odor! Odor in the court!
please send your thoughts and prayers to my 8 yo who has a loose tooth and he is now incapable of doing anything such as emptying the dishwasher or eating veggies because they’re too hard to chew.
I can’t have a boyfriend because my clean laundry goes on the other side of my bed.
[first line of my romance novel] her eyes, they looked like they watched netflix