My husband called and asked if I could be naked before he gets home from work. I feel awkward sitting here with his mother, but whatever.
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*Uses 3 gallons of water to rinse out yogurt container so it can go into recycling bin
A woman rammed her grocery cart into mine and didn’t apologize, so I followed her around the store and took things out of her cart when she wasn’t looking.
Excuse me, the movie Inception, you’re gonna tell me you had like 10 people jumping between levels of everyone’s subconscious and yet there were ZERO sex dreams? Uhhhh that’s a damn plothole my guy!!!!
Dog: BORK BORK BORK
Human: STOP BARKINGHow Dog Interprets this exchange
Dog: LOUD NOISES
Human: ALSO LOUD NOISES
Dog: O COOL WE R MAKIN LOUD NOISES TOGETHER NOW FREN LETS KEEP GOIN
Human: MORE LOUD NOISES
Dog: UR SO GOOD AT THIS
Mugger: Give me your wallet and… is that a Rolex?
Me: It’s a fake.
Mugger: What about her diamond ring. Is that fake?
Me: *nervously look at my wife* No, no. That’s 100% real…
I bought 334 books, 23 t-shirts, 16 bumper stickers, and went to 73 seminars about getting my impulsive compulsive buying disorder under control. For once, I finally got a handle on it.
I’ve saved so much money I put a down payment on a Siberian tiger.
[ER]
ME: [scared] well?
DOCTOR: ur ok
M: so it was just a dream
D: o no ur body is filled with lizards but ur system is accepting them
*leans over uncomfortably close to you at a funeral*
“I get so drunk at these things. Who’s in the box?”
“Follow your heart,” as advice, is sort of like “abandon yourself to cognitive bias.”
Wearing high heels and releasing doves at weddings are so last century. I’ll be wearing running shoes and releasing chickens at mine
I smoke in the car and the smell is in my clothes, skin, and hair but this gum will cover everything up so no one will know.
– smokers
Jared Leto’s primary preparation for his role as the Joker was changing his middle name to Stil
[Date night]
WIFE: Remember the night we met?ME: Yeah you walked in, I was eating pizza, and our eyes met
WIFE: It was amazing
ME: It really was and I don’t normally like deep pan
Her: Hi hun.
Atilla: [under breath] I told you not to call me that in front of the men. It might stick.
My son had an idea for the “Mom Dash App” where I would deliver food to his room and I told him that I’d have to get a 20% tip, so he’s still getting his own food.
Fight club except it’s me and an old nail polish bottle.
Wonder who’s getting killed off this season on Sesame Street
My tacos arrived with a fork on the plate. I can only guess it’s there to stab potential taco thieves.
She said she liked a man with a mouth on him and I admitted that I too like someone with all their face parts.
Me: *typing on laptop*
My cat: *climbs on me, reaches & puts 2 paws on my face*
Me: Aww. So sweet.
My cat: *rips my glasses off with his paws, & flings them on the floor*
Me: Or not.
“We’ll get you another ball, Hank.”
No, YOU just googled “emoji meanings” to make sure you’ve been using the correct ones….
“yeah that IS strange they only filled the fries and shakes halfway” I say about the food I brought home for my kids.
If you wash cheese with antibacterial soap, it turns back into milk.
Me: Congrats! I heard you got married again
Her: Sorry I didn’t invite you. It was a small ceremony
Me: Its ok. I’ll go to your next one
The secret to a good marriage is that it’s all about give and take. Giving each other frequent back rubs and ordering lots of takeout
All I ask is that when I’m murdered, you make my chalk outline four sizes smaller.
“DO NOT HIT ME. THE TURTLES DO NOT HIT SPLINTER. I AM SPLINTER TO YOU.” -real thing I just said to my son
[1st date]
Him: This is fun
Me: It is
Him: The last girl I went on a date with was the craziest person I’ve ever met
Me: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED
ME: Oh, Sky Butler, help me in my hour of need.
GOD: I told you to stop calling me that.
ME: Okay, but I can’t find my keys.