My husband called and said he wants tacos for dinner. We’ve been together for 30 years and I still can’t tell whether or not it’s a euphemism.
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The first person who saw a kangaroo reach into its pouch never fuckin’ thought it’d yank another little kangaroo outta there
I’m like Princess Peach in the way that I’m useless in a dress.
Aliens? Wake me up when something important happens, like a new pasta shape
“I think you’ll like her. She’s smart, funny, and a libra”
I’ve never met a libra
*is super disappointed when date isn’t a lion zebra mix*
NOAH’S GOOGLE HISTORY
1) What is an ark?
2) How 2 build ark
3) Can god just build ark?
4) Are snakes necessary?
5) Is god real or am I high?
Jesus saves. Often. Because even he knows Microsoft Word is a piece of shit.
So won’t Surreal Slim Shady please stand up, please stand dOwN, please RIDE A TRICYCLE THROUGH A DENTISTS WAITING ROOM DRESSED AS A PENGUIN
A good way to make sure people leave you alone at work? Let them catch you laughing at the urinal
This milk is so far past its expiration date that I’m only going to have a small slice.
“My parents refuse to photoshop me onto an athlete so I can get into college” #SpoiledKidsComplaints
The only thing I’ve learned from scary movies is to avoid pale children
Bicyclists, it’s one thing to hog the road, but it’s quite another to expect us to know your fancy hand signals. Also, I can see your balls.
What idiot called it celiac disease when they could have gone with gluten for punishment?
i got the covid booster and a flu shot earlier today and the guy giving it to me was like “are you getting this for school or work?” and i panicked and said “for fun”
Birthdays were invented by big wax corporations to sell more candles with numbers on them.
The neighbors left a perfectly good doll at the curb with their trash and I’ve seen enough horror movies to know to leave it there.
Coworker: how was your thanksgiving?
Me: ……….. I assume you want me to hear about yours?
[first day as astronaut]
*vomits
Me: That’s normal, right?
Instructor: Not during a written exam, no
I tried meowing back to the cat to show him I was making an effort, but he just switched to English.
Only rings I’m interested in are made from onions.
My 5 yo lost her first tooth and wanted to bring her tooth fairy swag to school to flex on her friends. This included the white “fairy dust” (baking soda). So, I sent my kid into preschool with a little bag of white powder for show and tell. Follow me for more parenting tips.
I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
[giraffe party]
me: see?! i told you…
wife: honey, it’s fine.
me: *scanning room for another giraffe wearing his tie up by his head* nope. i’m moving mine down.
Whenever people say “don’t judge me” I like to imagine them in the weird wigs British judges wear.
*whispers*
Judged you.
My wedding anniversary is next week. Does anyone have an idea for a gift that conveys the sentiment ‘our love is priceless’ for under $75?
I’m having an out of money experience.
i was just about to start being a good person but then i got mildly inconvenienced
Your honor, may I approach the bench?
Judge: You may
*benches 200lbs in 3 sets of 20 reps*
The defense rests
I still have a landline. Or as I like to call it, Cell Phone Finder.
My 5yo just came out of bed saying she yawned so hard her blankets came off, and honestly that’s like, groundbreaking work in the bedtime excuses field.