My husband came home at 5:47am & wanted to know why his key wasn’t working. You don’t live here anymore. That’s why.
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Me: My dog ran away two days ago
Dog pound: Does he have a tag?
Me [covers phone to ask wife]: Is the dog on Instagram?
Did the math. Facebook is worth $100 billion and with 800 million users that puts the value of a life at $12.50. Never pay a hitman more.
Girl: So, your dating profile says you enjoy long walks by the sea & making ur own wine?
Jesus: ON
Girl: What?
Jesus: Long walks ON the sea
Nothing sexier than when a man pulls you close, looks deep into your eyes, and puts a Babybel in your mouth.
I run a gambling ring where we throw humidifiers and dehumidifiers into a pit and let ’em fight that shit out.
the food pyramid is a conspiracy by big triangle to sell more triangles
Sex therapist: Try swapping positions tonight
Me: ok[Later]
Her: Wanna have sex?
Me: No thanks
I work for the government which means I have to enter 2 passwords in order to print documents that are open to the public.
My third bottle of wine was able to “breathe” for a few hours when I opened it at 3am and passed out on the floor.
The neighbors set off fireworks at 2:45 AM so I decided to leaf blow the entire street in front of their house at 6:00 AM.
“No!”
-An A to Z guide to parenting.
2:10 – perfect popcorn
2:13 – firefighters on scene
The best way to stop uninvited guests from stopping by your home is to always answer the door naked.
Cyanide smells like almonds, so I keep a bottle of almond extract on me at all times to keep people on their toes.
I love balloons! I keep tying them to my arm, but I think I’m getting carried away.
“Okay, Bill, now you’re making it awkward.”
[watching the news]
God: oh my me, this show is awful who wrote this
angel: you did sir
My ex just sneezed and I accidentally said “bless you”.
Now she is staring at the bushes confused and wondering who said that.
It’s faster just accepting that a fish learned to walk and then everything got weirder.
Found 6 cents in the laundry and all I can say is this family better start tipping better if they want fabric softener
Her:
*puts cherry stem in mouth
*pulls it out with a knot
*winksHim:
*puts earbuds in pocket
*pulls it out with 5 knots
*doesn’t get laid
[aquarium exit]
Excuse me ma’am, would you mind opening your bag?
I beg your pardon?!
OPEN YOUR BAG
*opens bag and reveals two penguins*
I know you all think *I’m* the chaotic one in my family, but a baboon troop just broke into my sister’s house and stole two jars of peanut butter and her husband chased them off with a baseball bat, an event she relayed by dropping a video with no explanation in the group chat
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
Dietest Coke
Hello? This is your downstairs neighbor. I really hate to be a bother, but I am in bed trying to sleep. Could you please turn the stereo down?
It’s in the living room. You’ll find my door unlocked. Thank you.
Pro of being an adult, I can eat a whole cake, and no one can stop me
Con of being an adult, I ate a whole cake and no one stopped me.
Now I feel sick
Happy birthday to all the women
me: so what’s the policy on backpack snacks
skydiving instructor: absolutely not
*hot girl puts a cherry stem in her mouth*
*twists it around with her tongue*
*pulls it out*
*it spells “I LIKE YOU AS A FRIEND”*