My husband came home with pizza sauce on his collar and no pizza and now I know what it’s like to be cheated on.
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me: umm did you tell your teacher that means pretend karate moves?
6: no
me:
Don’t put up a tire swing unless you hunted and killed that car yourself. Show some respect.
I’m bored I think I’ll go to the mall, find a really good parking spot and sit there with my reverse lights on.
I’m still upset that my parents didn’t support my dream of becoming an assassin.
My ex is fat!!! Yay…I win!!!
Everything on my bucket list comes with french fries.
DENTIST: Been flossing?
ME: Yup
D: [reaches into my mouth & pulls out a copy of the NY Times dated 7/5/14] I put this in there last time
I’m at the grocery store at 10pm buying a bottle of wine with a bag of quarters… I understand why you want to see my ID.
me: how do i use this inhaler?
doctor: you suck.
me: i’m trying sorry
Fun Fact: rock lobsters are easily identified by the tiny electric guitar they hold in their claws
**Pixar Film Themes Guide**
Toy Story: Jealousy
WALL-E: Environmentalism
Up: Bereavement
Cars: Cars
I know it’s been discussed before but the shift of the McAllister family from a Pepsi to Coca-Cola household in Home Alone 1 to 2 is truly jarring. A family with no brand loyalty is not to be trusted.
Having a little nap on the sofa before taking myself up to bed for my main sleep; I call that a snors d’oeuvre.
[wife drops me at the airport]
Wife: have a safe flight
Me: I have no say in the matter
Wife [already driving off]: die then
This remains in the top 10 best memes of all time.
SCHRÖDINGER: I got you a present.
ME: If it’s another dead cat I’m going to be furious.
SCHRÖDINGER: *Trying to contain excitement* We don’t know until you open it.
After I saw that my wife “Checked In” to the mall I called to report her credit cards stolen.
My favorite thing about all the people waiting in line for the new iPhones is for those hours the rest of the world is a better place.
I’m only up to Covid 15.
No Spoilers Please!
*composes email*
*proofreads*
*hovers mouse over send button*
*proofreads again*
*is about to send*
*proofreads a third time*
*gets glass of water*
*proofreads once more*
*finally sends email*
*re-reads email just for good measure*
OH NO I SAID HITLER INSTEAD OF HELLO
I’m so glad that I got my big grocery shopping trip out of the way on Sunday. Now I only have to stop at the store 750 times during the week.
Went out of town, came back and the roomba changed all the locks
My mom just put a pic on Facebook that says, “Share if your daughter is beautiful AND smart.” She tagged my sister.
He was a koi.
She was a squirrel.
Can I make it any less obvious?
Me: Two men enter, one man leaves
Friend: Do you have to say that every time you drop me off at work?
No one is full of more false hope than a parent with a new chore chart.
8yo: You’re annoying me!
10yo: No, you’re annoying me!
Me: Guys, guys, guys. You’re both annoying me.
Dogs are man’s best friend because a dog would never blindside you with an eleven person group text.
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: writing a Hogwarts letter for when our daughter turns 11.
Wife: but she’s only 3.
Me: I need the extra time.
Wife: why?
Me: to catch and train the owl.
PRO TIP:
Using a Starbucks cup to ask for change makes me think I’m worse off than you