My husband came into the room said something then got into his car and left. He could be going to the store for milk or running for the Canadian border, I wasn’t listening.
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*wakes up early on weekend
*makes 12 pancakes
*wakes kids up“Daddy, can we have waffles today???”
*eats 12 pancakes
Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes
*installs mirrors on the bedroom ceiling*
*watches myself not sleeping*
I’ve always heard that ignorance is bliss. My question: Exactly, how ignorant do I have to be before I find bliss?
I just spilled my protein shake all over myself and all I’m saying is a donut would never do this to me.
“40 is the new 30!” My dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Banned from driving.
Hey boy, are you an Amazon wish list?
Because I want you so bad, but will forget about you when I sign out.
Got fired by Twitter. I was responsible for summoning demons to fulfill the prophecy. They said I wasn’t summoning fast enough
A lot of guys hate it when I put both my hands on their shoulders and ask if everything is all right.
The guy at the urinal next to me seems particularly upset.
a haunted house, but every room is just learning more about Will & Jada.
My life in a nutshell
Today I got yelled at by a bird. I don’t even speak bird.
this is one of the funniest videos of all time
Idea: flamethrower but instead of fire it shoots hungry mosquitos out at my enemies.
The Water Board sent me a notice saying that my bill was a year old,
I obviously apologised for forgetting, and sent them a birthday card.
What kind of country do we live in when an artist like Sia won’t take advantage of the freedom to change her last name to Lateralligator?
Based on my family’s hatred for vegetables and always throwing them in the garbage, I hope I’m never in a coma.
If you want to romance me, take me to a nice restaurant with good climate control, but not too fancy. I want to wear my jeans and sneakers. Ok just take me to McDonald’s. It’s my second home.
As meltdowns go I think this one is pretty mild. Oh and by the way, the fact that nobody has offered me drugs yet is pretty disappointing.
Valentine’s Day makes me realize how single I really am. But I’m still gonna sleep like a baby knowing I’m not getting cheated on.
I believe we’re entering the ‘training for hell’ phase of summer.
My 3yo is heckling me about what YouTube search results appear when I type in her dictated search terms. I never anticipated this parenting moment.
“You are now about to witness the STRENGTH of street knowledge,” I tell my Über passengers as I turn off my GPS.
[gets intuitive notification]
you know what, apple watch, I think I will finish that outdoor walk from 2011
doctors in 90s: really try to limit your screen time to 4 hours a day
doctors today: please for the love of God find a 10 minute stretch in your day where you’re not looking at a screen. actually nevermind. just do whatever you want. have some adderall
I love the National Park Service.
I was home alone the other day and was frightened by a very loud noise, then I realized it was just my stomach growling.
If he:
-Changes his entire look for you
-Travels 1,900 miles upstream to chase you
-Procreates and dies
-Replenishes an entire ecosystem with his carcassHe’s not your valentine, he’s a Chinook salmon
Doctor: “The CAT scan results are in and they have confirmed my suspicions.”
Me: “Okay, I’m ready.”
Doctor: “You’re not a cat.”
What genius named it a “news feed” on Facebook and not “bullshit”?!