My husband changed his cologne brand for the 1st time in 31 years. Now he smells like I’m having an affair.
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Give your kid a bowl of chips, and he’ll eat for a few minutes. Let him dump out a bag of chips in the car, and he’ll eat for a whole week
“OnlyPams”: a place for hot pics of women who dump their fiancé’s for quirky co-workers.
“Hashtag.” #ReplaceAOneWordMovieTitleWithTheWordHashtag
Apparently ‘gravy’ is not an acceptable answer to the question, “What would you like to drink with your meal?”.
Sardine Wife: “What’s wrong?”
Sardine Husband: “I just need some space, Linda.”
Sardine Wife: “WHERE EXACTLY SHOULD I GO, KENNETH”
Someone just threatened to call me later
Husband: You said you’d work out with me today, but you’re just sitting on the couch.
Me: I’m getting plenty of exercise RUNNING my mouth!
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: RUNNING my mouth. You know, like R-
Him: I’m gonna agitate a wasp’s nest and lock you outside
COP: I need to search your car.
ME: Sure, google whatever you want officer.
It’s official… My voice is incapable of making, “Thanks. I appreciate that” not sound sarcastic.
HER: why do you hate every single Hugh Grant movie?
ME: i love love actually actually
my mom when anyone would walk on the carpet she just vacuumed
Growing up I didn’t think the expensive addiction that would ruin me would be Heinz ketchup but here we are
88% of the lies parents tell their kids are that the store was out of the snack that they forgot to buy.
I always wink at the local Funeral Director, because he will be the last one to see me naked, and I don’t want it to be awkward.
My kids prefer apples without peel, sandwiches without crust, cherries without pits, and fathers without spare time.
Friend 1: I love dry shampoo; it’s so simple!
F2: no water
F3: no chemicals
Me: Your hair is filthy.
[friend at his party] I think we’re just gonna keep spotify on for awhile
[me with a harmonica imprint in my pocket] cool my lips hurt anyway
My grandma got her bathroom redone with this sparkly gold-specked tile and she just called it her “golden shower” so goodnight.
They say all dogs eventually look like their owners……..that’s unfortunate for your dog
Dusting the thermostat for fingerprints.
7 A.M.: I will only eat the wholesome low-calorie whole grain cereal with skim milk.
MIDNIGHT: Where are the chocolates? I must have more chocolates!
Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?
@Holy_Mowgli @funTweeters Glass repairman: I’m shattered
Parents,
Have you ever tried to go a whole day just saying yes to everything your kid wants or asks for and if so what time did your house burn down? Was it 10am or earlier?
SUPERMAN: *lifts an entire aircraft carrier*
THAT ONE GUY AT THE GYM: But what you really want is reps.
[spelling bee]
Your word is “spider”
Can you use it in a sentence?
“A spider has eight eyes.”
[kid smiles]
Spider. S-P-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-D-E-R
I put my hand upon your hip
And then I steal yo queso dip
reasons white people riot:
1. their sports team wins
2. their sports team loses
3. no more tickle me elmos
4. tea
5. pumpkins
A coworker gave me an invitation to her wedding in case you were wondering why this paper airplane I’m making has lace on it.
Some coworkers sign emails with “cheers” or “sincerely” followed by their names but I typically use “you’ve made a powerful enemy today.”