My husband complained that I never do a Sunday roast so I’ve spent the last hour writing jokes about his bald spot, his skinny legs and the fact that he can’t grow a beard.
You Might Also Like
April is alcohol awareness month…..I think we’re all aware.
Cheers!
Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we’ll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.
I don’t know what to say to a woman when she is angry, but it’s definitely not, “Whatever, Pippi Wrongstocking.”
Saw 2 of my kids hugging and then realized they were choking each other and was like, ok, that makes more sense.
A 5yo’s energy is wild. How are you doing parkour while you relax and watch tv? Why are you upside down? Relax, please I’m getting tired just watching you hahah
[normally]
my bed has four corners[when putting on a fitted sheet]
my bed has 93 corners
My face when someone is offended by something super offensive I said to them:
“You’ll hear from my lawyer”
-boring
-overplayed
-probably a tax attorney“Trish is going to be f*****g livid”
-intimidating
-who is trish
-what have we done
iron man: it’s not gonna work
me: trust me [walks up to thanos, takes off my glove and slaps him in the face with it] good sir, i challenge you to a duel
thanos: [starts to take off his gauntlet to return my slap but stops] oooo you almost had me
Someday archeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think that it was some type of bizarre mouse worshipping kingdom.
I consider it a personal victory everytime that I don’t ask a person wearing a leg cast if they’ve broken their leg.
[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
All I need to do is tell my husband I found a recipe on Tik Tok and he will definitely make dinner
[overhears wife complaining about me on phone] he’s always overreacting and making a mess
*spits chocolate milk everywhere* ARE YOU SERIOUS?
I don’t always look at my phone at a red light; but when I do, I look up to see a cop right beside me.
In store checkout behind beautiful woman in sleek black dress. She’s buying tequila and a quart of motor oil.
Sure like to know that story
(Guy saves family from burning house)
Dad: You’re a hero.
Guy: Anyone could’ve done it.
Mom: You’re so humble.
Guy: Yes, I’m Super Modest.
I bought my friend a fridge for their birthday. You should’ve seen their face light up when they opened it.
DR DOG: *gives kid patient a sucker*
MOM: what do u say
KID: thanks mr dog
DD: kid I didnt go to med school for 56 years to be called Mr Dog
Just bumped into Gloria Gaynor’s ghost!
At first I was afraid, I was petrified.
Me: it’s time to go to sleep
3: Nope, I don’t think so
Me: who asked you?!
Nothing good can come out of answering your landline.
Opening a package of cheese within 2 miles of my dog is the plot to A Quiet Place 2
SERIAL KILLER: prepare to die
ME: thanks, you too
What wine pairs best with concession stand popcorn? Asking for the thermos I’m taking to this high school football game.
me: on second thoughts, hold the mayo
me, one hour into the “no solid food for three weeks” thinkin about pizza
CDC: You can take your mask off if you’re fully vaccinated
AMATEUR VENTRILOQUIST: Goddammit
I love eating my wife’s snacks because she seals them well and they stay crisp but if I eat more later, they’re no longer crisp because I didn’t seal them. So you see my dilemma.
genie: [unloading my dishwasher] this is ridiculous