My husband coughed and then I coughed from another room. This is our version of echolocation.
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[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
the worst part about being vegan is having to get up early to milk the almonds
My daughter just asked me how to spell bourbon so she’s either asking Santa to hook up her old man or writing a letter to child services.
There’s no 5 second rule at my house.
The dog is much quicker than that.
[space launch]
ASTRONAUT: houston we have a problem
ME: *elbows him* lol we’re gonna get mooned
ASTRONAUT: *sighs* houston we have two problems
My toddler helped me clean by picking up and eating the trail of Cocoa Puffs he left on the floor and I’m going to allow it because I really need the help.
Captain: relax, it’s just a title
Second Mate: WHAT DOES HE MEAN TO YOU
[job interview]
“So what would you say is your biggest weakness?”
“I’m pretty bad at reading situations.” *tries to kiss interviewer*
This bouncer’s lucky I’m with my lady and physically frightened of him or he’d be in a world of pain.
You think you have it rough, try driving with two Pringles cans on your hands
If you ghost me, I assume one of two things happened
1: you fell in love with me really quickly and overwhelmingly and you couldn’t handle it and knew I would ruin your life forever because of how amazing I am
2: you died
you should be able to pay $2 to ride the luggage carousel at the airport one full revolution. i believe this funding would solve all infrastructure woes in most major american cities. this also would create jobs
Kid packed for a 3 day trip to his grandparents with 1 t-shirt, 1 pair of underwear, and 7 pairs of socks. I have a few questions
[hospital]
DOCTOR: you’re ok
ME: so it was just a dream
DOCTOR: no your heart did turn into a bowl of cereal but your system is accepting it
My kid is learning about environment and climate change at school, so everytime I yell any instructions, he goes “noise pollution, noise pollution”
A show I auditioned for premieres tonight so we should be filming my scenes any minute now.
we baptize all our dinosaurs just in case all that catholic shit turns out to be true
sometimes i wish a great-grandpa or old uncle had left me a pocket watch i could take out & wistfully rub during these “trying times”
What’s your WiFi pw?
kneeshowerbaseball
All caps?
Yes; all lowercase.
What?
It’s all caps, but all lowercase.
Is there a Starbucks nearby?
It’s not illegal to tell a ghost story when a cop shines a flashlight in your face
im no good at video games
“no one is at first just give it a shot”
alright
*presses start and mario just sits down*
Hi, famous people getting DUIs. You know you can probably afford a driver, right? Just a thought.
asked the wife is she thought me getting that folding phone was a good idea and she said if you wanna fold something try the laundry so the foldy phone ain’t happening apparently
Dead
Alive
Other✔
Can I have your parents’ phone number? I really need to inquire how you came to be 45 and don’t know that the “$” goes BEFORE the numbers.
Sure the blue urinal cakes LOOK delicious but I’ve learned my lesson
no babe a living wage scares me they’re too big
Muggers: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE
Me: My Lord will protect me
Muggers: Haha, right-
Jesus: [appears wielding dual katanas]
I smell SINNERS
If breaking a mirror brings 7 years of bad luck, does breaking a lightbulb bring 7 years of bad ideas?
The best thing about being an accountant is that everyone assumes you’re not a psychopath.