My husband coughing the moment I got the baby to sleep is why spouses are the number one suspect in homicide cases.
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The Harry Potter series is such bullshit. Like we’re supposed to believe a boy with an invisibility cloak ever left the girl’s locker room.
road rage
It’s always good to leave a few toilet paper remnants behind so he knows you’re a fastidious wiper.
‘Triskaidekaphobia’ is the word for an irrational fear of the number 13.
But why does Big Dictionary have no word for if the fear is rational? Like, maybe the number 13 killed your family, or cut your brake lines.
Stay woke, friends.
Why enunciation matters:
9yo: so this guy came to school and pulled a python out of his boxers
Me: WHAT THE HELL?!???
9yo: …BOXES!
*phone rings*
Wife – “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me – *strips naked and does running man*
Wife – “….”
[God Creating Raccoons]
God: make a panda but a trash panda, then give it a mask so that people would know it will kill them for their food
Just because you haven’t met the love of your life yet….yeah, no. I have nothing.
ME: (first day as a detective) It looks like he accidentally shot himself in the head while trying to eat his own gun. What a shame.
MY PARTNER: Have u considered suicide?
ME: Jesus Christ man, I just get sad sometimes. I dont want to die.
*calls ex wife three weeks after the divorce* what kind of yogurt do I like?
if evolution doesn’t exist explain pokémon to me.
I wish you’d told me you were happy just flirting on twitter. I’ve already bought plane tickets and murdered my wife.
What do you call a factory that makes okay products?
A satisfactory.
Women are like iPhones, you have to touch them all over before they respond. Men are like BBs, rub one ball & everything moves.
This is Facts right here 🤣🤣💀
Just wanted to let you all know that I have been admitted into hospital and they are keeping me in. I’ve only gone and poisoned myself, thanks to my cooking skills. What I thought was an onion for my salad turned out to be a daffodil bulb. They said I should be out early spring.
him: can i be honest?
me: not from what i’ve seen.
Him: Do you want to watch a little TV?
Me: No. I want you to buy me a big one.
Never once has a guy said, “She’s cute but I wish her eyelashes would be so big they’d weigh down her eyelids”
My husband is lecturing me on cyber security which is hilarious coming from someone who has imslimshady1234 as his password.
Me: “Go to bed, the cows are already asleep in the field.”
Son: “So what?”
Me: “It’s pasture bedtime.”
If my Roomba don’t like you, I don’t like you.
My ex gf came from the land down under, no not Australia, Hell.
Meet me at the paint pan so our rollers can rub together.
big fan of the comma, just great. like look, i just made you pause the sentence as you read it. oh look, i just did it again.
me: *hanging back a bit while out with friends*
friends: that guy has followed us to 3 bars.
Now I’m no fresh daisy, I’ve been around the block, but what is kissing
I’d enjoy therapy a lot more if it included cocktails and a light snack.
I don’t really hate you, it’s just that if you were on fire, I’d roast marshmallows..