My husband didn’t have Snapchat so I convinced him to download it “because it will be fun!” and the first request he received was from his ex-girlfriend, so I deleted my husband’s Snapchat bc what grown man needs a stupid Snapchat anyway.
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If I end up on life support, feel free to pull the plug.. However, if I’m charging my phone, stay the hell away from the outlet.
THERAPIST: As a young boy, did your mother ever treat you badly?
ME: As far as I know *pauses to think* my mother was never a young boy
Long story short, I accidentally left the cat in the refrigerator.
*orders delivery*
Me: I could survive in the wild.
Wife: It took you 9 minutes to open a bag of chips.
Hopefully wild game isn’t wrapped in plastic.
stop saying millennials aren’t having kids. my posts are my children and I’m deeply disappointed in all of them
call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.
Pandas, skunks and zebras are the oldest species on Earth, dating back to long before colour was invented.
When someone tells me to “smile naturally”.
“You can hide but you can’t run,”
– Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i never listen to u
HER: yes
ME: k see u tonight
Me: I don’t think I belong
Therapist: Do you think you be short?
Why?
How I answer every text when my friends with little kids ask me what I’m doing tonight
Related – I never babysit
So, it’s OK if Robert Plant says “I’m gonna give you my love”, but I say it once and have to see HR?
It’s not like I knew my fly was open!
coming to theaters soon: Dawn of the Rise of the Dawn of the Planet of the Rise of the Rise of the Dawn of the Apes
one time i hooked up with a guy who had his own recorded music on his sex playlist
“And on the 7th day, He rested.”
Yeah, because He didn’t have any kids yet
“What? Only 2% Milk? Then what’s the other 98%!?”
[bull walking confidently out of the factory]
Oh you don’t wanna know
One time when we were eating breakfast at denny’s my grandma read an ancient mormon hex at the table & accidentally reverse baptized my denver omelette.
Please don’t leave that cake alone with me
Keep in mind that “The Cat in the Hat” is a lesson to your kids on how to throw a house party when you’re gone…
The three ages of bureaucrat:
Age 25: Why don’t I get to go to any meetings?
Age 35: I feel so validated by attending all these important meetings
Age 42: I will do anything legal to avoid godforsaken meetings
Dad: relax kids, no monkey business in a nice restaurant
[table over]
Monkey 1: *slams briefcase shut, stands up*
Monkey 2: not worth it man
Me: C’mon, baby. Just the tip?
Her: No!
Me: Awww, cmon!
Her: No, you’re paying the whole bill this time.
do you mean bf like best friend or boyfriend or bread festival
BREAKING: First satellite photo of the “ultra-cool dwarf star”
They were testing a machine that calculates your age based on your reflexes. Turns out I am 140 years old.
Whenever I see a couple sitting on the same side of a restaurant booth I like to imagine they’re on a double date with ghosts
Me: *[pulls back shower curtain]
“Dinner will be ready in 10 minutes”Him: “Who the hell are you and should I be scared?”
Regrettable life choices: not learning how to syphon gas