My husband didn’t help change the sheets so I ate two hard-boiled eggs before bed. Check. Mate.
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Day 14 of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant and sometimes in this line of work you have to tell a couple of white lies
If my ex had an autobiography it would be called “Mein Cramps”
What, did you NOT SEE that one coming?
If peeing was an Olympic event, I would win gold. But then I would miss the awards ceremony because I was taking a leak.
My husband never answers the phone when I need him!
When I need him: Middle of the afternoon, on a Tuesday, while he is at work, and there is not one but TWO wasps flying around the kitchen tormenting me.
SEND HELP!
Him: Your body is like poetry
Me: That’s so nice!
H: A haiku
M:..
H: Little on the top, big in the middle, little on the bottom
M: Just stop
I’ve found that Tupperware is a lot cheaper if you buy the ones that come filled with ice cream.
I got no respect for anyone who has ever uttered the phrase “don’t fill up on bread!’ when they are at a restaurant. Like, buddy I been filling up on bread my whole life, you think I’m going to stop when we are at the place that is giving the shit away for free?!
[first day as a ghost]
BOSS: ur job is to scare people
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *whispering to millennials* you’ll never pay off ur student loans
Sure you call it a college fund for your kid, yet deep in your heart you know it’s bond money.
Me: *throws banana and waits for it to return, boomerang style* that’s the last time I ever believe anything I read on Yahoo Answers…
Whenever I shut down my computer, it asks, “Are you sure you want to shut down your computer?” Then I wonder if it knows something I don’t.
FRIEND: Jack is sleeping, what should we do to him?
TYLER: Shaving cream.
MARK: Shaving cream.
ME: Pay off his student loans.
[they all look at me]
ME: I mean shave him.
I Spit On Your Gravy #MakeAHorrorFilmLessScary
Just remembered when out of embarrassment I told a train passenger I was crying because my boyfriend dumped me when the real reason was I was listening to the Lion King soundtrack
If you hate someone on your Christmas list, buy them parakeets.
I’m pretty terrified of the possibility that you guys might crawl out of my phone like that girl in The Ring.
When I hear someone say, “chicken pot pie,” I get excited three times.
I never scrape my back window so when I back out of parking spots I let Jesus decide if I’m gonna kill anyone
I’m at the Olympics, getting drunk. It’s great fun, but the American girls here sure don’t look like they do on twitter..
Princess Peach: Something’s different. You seem taller.
Luigi wearing Mario’s red overalls: No, nothing is different. It’sa me, Mario.
Retweet if you’re naughty! Star if you love Jesus! Reply if you’d like to meet him!
Duck typos.
Don’t stay together for the kids. Stay together because neither one of you wants to raise those monsters alone.
In the lobby of an office building in Toronto. I guess to make sure employees are flooded with resentment the instant they walk in the door?
People who write “loosing” when they mean “losing” need to get loost.
I miss dating
The excitement of meeting someone new, that feeling of butterflies when you see if you can climb out their bathroom window…
Dear water parks, what stops you from building an escalator to the swim slide?
Air conditioners are just human refrigerators
Me: How many times do I have to ask you to brush your teeth?
10: Why is it called a building if it’s already built?