My husband: Do you really need another pair of black pants?
My husband’s closet:
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Me: ‘Can I offer you something to drink?’
Waiter: ‘I’m sorry?’
Me: ‘I know, it’s weird right? Now you try.’
“I’m on my way!”
-Someone who won’t be leaving for at least 20 minutes
*guitarist breaks guitar*
HELL YEAH
*drummer throws drums*
YES YES
*singer stabs a bunch of guys*
OH MY GOD
*bassist plants a bomb*
STOP
[hands mom flowers on Mother’s day]
thanks for a life of sacrifice, these cost me twenty bucks
My spirit animal is a fat raccoon struggling to get into a dumpster
Oh god I decided to look cute instead of wearing stretchy clothes and now I’m being bisected by the waistband of my pants and I have such regrets
Do you know what happens after 8 tequila shots?
Me neither.
[sex]
GF: u bring protection?
ME: ya [i show a gun]
GF: not what I meant
ME: I kno, I have a fox guarding us. The gun is for if it wigs out
Marsupials have pouches and the good manners to keep children out of sight.
2016: No way will Trump win the election
2017: No way will President Trump fire all those nukes
2018: No way we’re doing what those Apes say
“LUKE CHECK OUT HOW HARD I CAN CRY”
What idiot called it endangered ocean population instead of deficiency?
We are gathered here today because our ancestors didn’t have condoms.
Jesus Christ lmao
If I ever correct your spelling you should just consider it a gift. Mostly a gift for me, but a little bit for you too
4 out of 5 dentists now say eat all the candy you want. 4 out of 5 dentists also want to upgrade their yachts.
That awkward moment when your girlfriend is looking up for a noodles recipe on your computer and opens a file called “Asian.”
i want to try Dungeons and Dragons but you need more than 3 friends to even start?? that’s the hardest dungeon of all
Me: is this dishwasher safe?
Nurse: *taking back baby* absolutely not
I said I was thinking about you. I left out the part with the wood chipper.
Pro tip: Instead of having kids, just adopt a couple raccoons. They’ll trash your house too, but at least they can feed themselves.
Happy Febuary everyone!
Matthew McConaughey in Dazed & Confused: He gets older, the girls stay the same age
Matthew McConaughey in Interstellar: he stays the same age, his girl gets older
The range on this guy!
Cop: you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You thought I was black?
Cop: Haha. Yep. You’re free to go sir
no one:
contestants on every singing show: hi my life is really sad
My aunt’s ex-boyfriend’s mailman’s brother said it on Facebook so I don’t think any further research is necessary.
Ever listened to 90s R&B lyrics?
Sex you up?
Licky boom-boom down?
No wonder none of us know what the hell were doing in relationships
Architects should try and design a house with no yelling
Hip-Hop & Dancing go hand & hand for my generation.
“Well, you only live once.”
– Guy, convincing himself to skydive“Well, you only live once.”
– Me, convincing myself not to skydive