My husband fears a meat shortage and had $400 worth delivered. In order to fit it into the freezer, I had to eat all the ice cream. Who knew I was capable of such self-sacrifice?
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It is snowing perfect snowball packing snow right now, so I was wondering if anyone would like to walk slowly past my house?
If all your friends jumped off a bridge, would you Instagram it?
Any TV can be a TV dinner if you eat TVs
My husbands signature move is running to town “real quick” and coming home 5 hours later.
I was eating BBQ ribs and my waitress asked me if I wanted a wet nap…
…I told her it wasn’t necessary because I had one earlier today.
My girlfriend left me for a hindu guy.
Anyway, he’ll treat her better – they worship cows.
I was called a village idiot today which really upset me. I live in a city.
People will say they don’t want to be lied to and then read fiction. Bro, pick a lane.
“you are what you eat”
i don’t remember eating a handsome genius but ok
*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
Ion see the issue
I’m going to be productive today
I’m going to be duct tiv
duct tav
duct tape
I’m going to duct tape the cat to the dog today
H: What’s for breakfast?
M: I’m having potatoes and orange juice. *sips juice*
H: Great, when are you making potatoes?
M: They’re in my orange juice.
him: *walking into the kitchen* don’t you feel guilty eating Nutella right out of the jar?
me: *licking the spoon* only if I can’t finish the jar
People are having sex, kissing, and cuddling right now and you are reading this….. trust me I’m not happy about this either🙄🙄🙄
My 6yr old keeps dropping her popsicle on the floor and I rinse it off and she gets mad that the water made it a bit smaller and then she drops it on the floor and I rinse it off and she gets mad that the water made it a bit smaller and then she drops it on the floor and I…
[leans against bus stop as bus approaches & winks at girl waiting]
I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.
I’m buying more booze than ever these days. Wonder if I need an intervention. I’d hate to become a shopaholic.
Classic German Shepherd 😂
I wish I’d worked to learn another language. Only so I’d be more believable when I use language barriers as an excuse to not talk to people
[therapy]
me: I’m really trying to change
therapist: that’s great
me: I want to be become a different person
therapist: how
me: *squeezes eyes closed* telekinesis
therapist: no
Sometimes i spread newspaper out on the floor and then lay down on it and pretend i’m fish n’ chips
This man is very sweet with me. I’m calling the police
ghost: boooooOoo
me: you better stop
ghost: what are you doing
me: [setting up ouji board] i’m calling your mother
ghost: oooOooooh noooOoooOooo
*receives a monthly bill*
didn’t i just pay this last month??
911: whats the emergency?
∞: hi, i am 8. i have fallen and can’t get up.
*pronounces injury like lingerie*
Me: I changed your diapers, I cook our meals – I basically spend my days doing things to take care of you. Pretty sure I can pour fake tea correctly
My 4-year-old:
Me:
4-year-old: You’re spilling.
I introduced my 2yo to Cheerios and now I have to carry a little baggie around wherever we go in case he needs his next fix
Makes 3 gallons of cranberry sauce so my family can eat 2 teaspoons each.