my husband fell asleep and I don’t know how to turn the volume down on his game without killing his village or whatever so I guess the soundtrack to my insomnia tonight is intense medieval lute music
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WHEN CATS ARE SAD
Bartender: What’ll ya have?
Cat: Shot of rum.
[Bartender pours it]
[Cat slowly pushes it off the bar]
Cat: Another.
When I try to follow a YouTube natural makeup tutorial.
Noam Chomsky is a crazy name like you sound hungry as f***
I won’t believe we’ve evolved as humans until no one ever bites the inside of their cheeks again.
The average person swallows 3 cats on their drive home from work.
Could you imagine being the Secret Service agent that blocked a bullet for Donald Trump, 20 years later? You wouldn’t tell anyone.
Why do people say tunafish, rather than just tuna?
Is that to differentiate from the tunacow and tunagiraffe?
I made smoochie face and noises at a deer yesterday and he ran.
That is why I don’t flirt
*i drop my pen at work*
Guy who backpacked around Europe: that reminds me of this little village in the north of Romania
Designer: How big should the gap between the car’s front seat and center console be?
Boss: Big enough for your phone to fall through.
Designer: And also big enough for your hand to retrieve it?
Boss: haha oh goodness no
As a copywriter, I’ve noticed more people are using ‘whilst’ instead of ‘while.’ WHILE you can use either, WHILST is formal so it always sounds pompous and full of shit. Would you say WHOMST? No you WOULDST NOT.
DAUGHTER: im gonna sing without moving my lips
ME: why?
DAUGHTER:
ME: you’re right that was a dumb question. Let’s hear it
[Interview]
Boss: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m a risk taker
B: Can you give an example?
M: *Passionately kisses boss*
B: omg
Men are from Mars, women are from a planet that probably smells nicer than Mars.
My husband bought harmonicas for our kids and now I need to find a new family
I can’t go on anymore dates so if you all could just decide amongst yourselves who’s stuck with me that would be great
ME: I have zero interest in owning a parrot.
CLERK: This parrot is 80% off.
ME: I will take 4 parrots.
Me: Grandma died, can’t work today.
Boss: Thought she died last month?
Me: This time she is for real dead. We poked her with a stick.
No matter how powerless you feel, just think to yourself, one single pubic hair off of your body can shut down an entire restaurant.
Her: Let’s each pick one person we can sleep with and the other person can’t get mad. Mine is Ryan Gosling. Who’s yours?
Me: The babysitter
*crawls back up a waterslide for 2 hours* did you say “go dudette” or “no not yet”
Loan officer: What’s your social?
Me: Mostly Twitter, sometimes Facebook when I want to see what my friends and family are fighting about.
Guy: I’m an organist
Me: what you got against organs?
Spending the day removing $1.6 billion worth of stuff from my Amazon shopping cart.
[wife frantically searching the house]
Have you seen the kids, I’ve looked everywhere
[me napping on couch]
OMG HOW LONG HAVE WE HAD KIDS
When someone is arguing on twitter with a private account
Them: The children are our future.
The children: [can’t figure out how the mute button works]
I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.
Whatever you do, always give 100%. Unless you’re donating blood
Taylor Swift seems like the kind of chick who’d stare at her boyfriend while he’s sleeping.