My husband fell asleep while watching Memento…was shocked to find “remember to NOT trust your wife” written on his forehead with a Sharpie
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Someone just gave the agenda for the “third half” of our meeting. Guessing it won’t involve fractions.
Date: *opening apt door* This is where the murder happens.
Me: OMG, what!?
Date: Sorry, magic happens. Haha, I confuse those two.
Me: Phew.
Date: *locking door behind us* and now to magic you!
[crime scene]
Detective: Not only has the victim been decapitated the head is nowhere to be found.
Praying Mantis: *burps*
I found him like that. I swear.Detective *narrows eyes suspiciously * Put this down as a possible sex crime.
my grandma has a secret tuna casserole recipe that involves a 911 call
One of the coolest things about superhero films is that they can be any genre.
Science fiction? Guardians of the Galaxy.
Fantasy? Doctor Strange.
Sleep aid? Eternals.
Genie: So let me get this straight, your first wish was for your cat to talk?
Me: yes.
Genie: and then your second wish was he couldn’t talk anymore?
Me: He was mean to me.
Genie: And now your third wish is he can talk again?
Me: I just thought of a great come back!
I’m crying im so happy for them
I could never be a burglar because my OCD would always have me going straight to the kitchen to front face the labels on their cans.
We’re quarantined with our laptops and our phones. If they’re not texting u back, they just don’t want to
I don’t want to brag about how cultured I am, but I’ve visited the outside of many historical buildings that charge an entrance fee
[making out in a club]
her: wanna go to the bathroom?
me: no I’ve just been thanks
It’s kind of cool when athletes exchange jerseys after a game but trying this with your doctor after a prostate exam isn’t the same, so he said.
Love is taking a picture of your husband holding up a fish at the fish market
– my wife: I’m not doing that
Doctors who give out lollipops really treat their patients
Please disregard what I said in an earlier tweet. Just learned the ducks in the park are not “free ducks” and you’re NOT allowed to take one
i just blocked everyone who’s face i don’t like, so if you’re seeing this…hiii
Thank you to all those people doing boring jobs with titles we don’t understand.
Me: give me all the brisket you have
Food truck attendant: jesus I’m driving 80, how are you still holding on
Thanks to Fitbit, all my anxious pacing can be passed off as exercise.
ME: *catches the bouquet* Yes! I’m next, losers! Haha!
SOME RELATIVE: This is a strange funeral reception.
yoooo let ur cat know i said pspspsps
Hey, girl. I noticed you checking out my Hello Kitty socks. Just so you know…the boxers match.
*winks*
Don’t get why guys complain about “sleeping on the couch”
I pay good money to sleep on the couch, but I wish the shrink would shut up.
There are two types of people in this world: those that eat handfuls of grated cheese straight out the bag and those that pretend they don’t
This is the scale that I will be using for everything from now on.
“How much to hire a church singing group?”
“You mean a choir?”
“Fine, how much to acquire a church singing group?”
Guy who invented the spelling of bologna: shoplifting is a misdemeanor but murder is a felogna
Spending the day removing $1.6 billion worth of stuff from my Amazon shopping cart.
To save a bit of money on e-cigarettes I’ve started to roll my own batteries.
[guy who’s about to invent politics]
*getting along with everyone* this just won’t do