My husband: *finishes vacuuming*
Me: *asserts dominance, by maintaining eye contact with him while handing the kids a bag of crackers*
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I just want a stalker that will power wash my deck while I’m at work
If you don’t get my sarcasm, you obviously lack a sense of humor
If I don’t get your sarcasm, you just suck at it
If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.
I just pooped my pants in the elevator. I’m taking this shit to a whole nother level.
We don’t know what’s in the vaccine. Could be anything. Microchips? Sure. Toxins? Maybe. Predatory birds? Definitely. This is all a plot to fill us full of falcons because the CDC is in the pocket of Big Talon.
Why do people say raw sewage. Saying raw makes it sound like it becomes better if cooked properly.
“How can I help you?
Hi I’d like a root canal
“Are you a patient here?”
No
“Who referred you to us?”
No one
“Ok then why-”
I have a Groupon
wife: the turn was back there
me: i know that, k- omg, i almost called you karen. i’ve been on twitter too much
wife: my name is karen
me: ughh this is different, karen
I could survive 3 months in the wilderness with the contents of a woman’s purse and a pocket knife.
My girlfriend dumped me so i stole her wheelchair.
Guess who came crawling back.
[inventing colonization]
britain: i wish the whole world was this miserable
if you won an award for brushing your teeth the worst, would you receive a plaque plaque?
People always ask Jesus to take the wheel but there were no cars back then so how good a driver can he really be
[backstage at a concert] hey guys you mind signing this?
[next day at car dealership] rascal flatts is your cosigner?
Attractive person: Hi.
Me: Is this some kind of sick joke?
Before college I didn’t have a degree, or money, or any idea what I was doing with my life. But NOW I have a degree.
I was trying to get a quarter size spider off of the ceiling and it fell INTO MY CLEAVAGE! After screaming my head off, jumping around and shaking my top like a Polaroid picture it fell out. I’m writing this from inside a dumpster I’ve set on fire. Farewell.
Hemorrhoids should be called a more gender-neutral name, such as themorrhoids.
COP: careful, this guy’s insane
DETECTIVE: ok
[he walks into the interrogation room]
ME: i dont like the creme part of oreos
D: jesus christ
What they don’t tell you about bathing in the blood of your enemies is your body hair is a light magenta for like the next 3 or 4 days. Ugh.
they say penguins mate for life, but that’s bullshit cause my penguin left me first chance she had
“Now, tilt your head and give me total scumbag!” – Realtor headshot photographer
Nothing says I mean business like wearing a hospital gown to the pharmacy.
911 – 911 what’s your emergency
Me – I am Australian and I watch too much American TV
911 – ….
Me – I don’t know our emergency number
[kid watching an episode of The Flintstones for the first time]
“They made a show based on vitamins? This is dumb.”
My mom once asked if Jack Frost was based on a true story. Jack Frost is a movie where a father dies and returns as a snowman.
According to my wife’s new feng shui consultant, I need to move out.
So sad that kids today spend so much time online. When we were kids we were always outside throwing rocks at one another, shoplifting at the mall, trying drugs… one time I drank gasoline.
Practice makes perfect, unless you suck.
I think the scariest part about having triplets is having to be pregnant for 27 months.