My husband found me lying on the sofa and told me that the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”
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Easily distracted by chicken salad sandwiches
eavesdropping at a coffee shop to this girl talking for an HOUR STRAIGHT about how she can’t find a good man and she hasn’t let her friend say even a single WORD. like sweetheart the call is coming from inside the house
i don’t understand the desire to rock climb. we have stairs for that now. solved problem
I work 24/7 – which is about 3.42 hours.
Brains are awesome… I wish everyone had one.
Hello this is ur pilot speaking
We almost began our descent but my copilot said “turn down for what” so
looks like we r rerouting to Cancun
[sets up grandfather’s first computer]
ME: Okay, Grandpa… Just call me if you have any questions or problems.
[phone rings one hour later]
ME: Hello?
GRANDPA: WebMD says I’m pregnant.
*thinks of joining gym tomorrow*
*celebrates the thought with a pizza*
“These fries are too crispy” – inventor of the microwave
just learned that cows have best friends. when they are together they experience less stress which means even cows have more friends than you
I’d like a word with the person who started the rumor that I have a kitchen.
Every so often, someone in the know has a momentary lapse in judgment, and you get a glimpse of what geopolitics in the 21st century is actually like.
This is one of the most illuminating tweets ever in that regard:
I just bought a couple of Christmas presents and got a text from my bank like, “Bro, what are you doing?”
Pictures of dogs playing poker are amusing, but before you hang one on your wall just consider the feelings of inadequacy that your own, non-cardsharp pooch may feel when she sees it.
People that call their kids Randy, is that short for Randolph or Randrew?
Welcome to your 40s. The only shoes you can tolerate are running, but you won’t be doing any of that anymore.
Friend: hey man what happened to your hand?
Me: just a little boo boo.
Friend: so I see. Is that a paw patrol band-aid?
Me: you know damn well it’s a paw patrol band-aid Steve.
Christian: You need Jesus in your life
Me: But I can’t find him
Jesus: *Hiding in a cave, giggling*
If you eat french fries and then drink a milkshake, every time you burp it will taste like a donut. Please continue following me on the twitter dot com for more life inspiration.
More “kills” on Tinder than any man in the history of online dating, Bradley Cooper is…. American Swiper.
Men’s jeans: We have 1000 sizes. What is your waist? What is your height? Where are your hips?
Women’s jeans: We have two sizes, Chickpea and Sycamore
11:30pm is the time each night when I ask myself the ancient question of the universe: what if I just ate everything
“I’m going to slide in and go back and forth until you’re satisfied”
-Floss
A thread of some SAVAGE/DEEPEST REPLIES in “Black Panther”
1.
okay so let’s say one hypothetically walked outside and a frog landed on their shoulder. when shall they expect the locusts and boils?
My Masseuse just read ‘Cinderella’ to me ~ That’s the last time I ask for a happy ending.
*in a fight with Humpty Dumpty*
“You don’t scare me, I eat eggs like you for breakfast”
wife [whispers] Josh
me
wife *nudges me* Josh
me: Huh? What?
wife: You were explaining the plot to Space Jam in your sleep again
Seriously? Nothing in the waiting room but Highlights magazine?
[I get called in 10 minutes later]
Hold on, let me finish this article.
I put my phone in airplane mode and started constantly banging my knees on stuff.