My husband: (from the other room) Can you give me an update?
Me: Um, can you be more specific?
Husband: Let’s focus on this week’s developments
Me: Ok, so I’m trying a different dish soap because-
Him: (peeks head in) Can you please stop that? I’m on a work call
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She tells me to live in the present then gets upset when I don’t remember our anniversary, pick a lane.
I carry a bar of soap in my pocket so when someone tries to talk to me I can pull it out and say someone is paging me and leave.
That hospital class on parenting I took didn’t include enough wrestling tips.
i hate it when i eat a slice of bread and it grows into a bread tree in my stomach
CAR GPS: turn left
PHONE GPS: turn right
C: who was that?
ME: just a friend
P: just a friend?
ME: wait
C: make an illegal U-turn
ME: babe
My sleep apnea was diagnosed at a staff meeting.
BRIAN MAY: It was an accident. Let’s dump the body and split, we’ll meet up again this time tomorrow. Remember, no one can know about this. Can’t tell your friends, can’t tell your wives. You can’t even tell your own mamas. Understood?
FREDDIE MERCURY: (already humming) got it
My 4yo pretended she was a hired cleaner yesterday as. As she helped me clean she asked if I had any kids. After telling her about my 2 I asked if she had any of her own. Turns out she has 5 kids and has been married to a man named Carlin for 30 years. You think you know someone.
When I said I was a “first responder” I meant that I am quick to send the thumbs up emoji in the family text thread.
Today i learned that Capybaras are chill with everyone. Here they are getting along with the entire animal kingdom. Real life Disney princesses.
Use Angie’s List if you want a plumber to come over.
Use Craigslist if you want that plumber to come over with no pants.
They say kids grow up fast but I just licked my thumb & wiped my son’s face so parents grow up fast too. I’ve already become my grandmother.
A one night stand where you make it clear you don’t want to see each other again should be called a Humpty Dumpty.
Experts say that human interaction is important for brain health but I’m willing to risk it.
Yesterday I said the words “clink the lick” instead of “click the link” because my mouth likes to prank me
if you get caught speeding and a cop asks you “where’s the fire” you can just make up an address. they don’t have a list of current fires.
the boston alphabet is only 25 letters because they threw the t in the harbor
nurse: height
me: i’m 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
Me, to my kid: Pay attention! You’ve got to focus, it’s important in life…
Me, two minutes later: Where’d you go?!
turtleneck: oooh cozy
mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY
You really shouldn’t label sandwiches, I mean they have a right to exist in a world without labels and judgements just like everyone else.
“We’ve been blessed with a second son, another prince”
“I hope he doesn’t grow to resent his older brother, Mufasa, who one day will be king”
“Let’s call him Scar”
*bolts upright in bed..
If there’s 24 hrs in a day how many hrs are in a night?!!?
None of the scenarios in which I would require a watch that works 200m underwater are situations in which my watch would be my main concern.
I’m confused about plants
The strangers on this cruise are getting really sick of me eavesdropping and interrupting with “I’m in the same boat.”
Well thank you auto correct for changing “I wish you were here” to “I wish you were her”. I didn’t wanna have sex anyways.
me: truth or dare
government: truth
me: is Wyoming real
government: dare
GMO bananas: turn brown for what?