My husband gave me a break by doing the grocery shopping, but he didn’t take the kids with him so, I don’t think he knows how breaks work.
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*paints car camouflage*
*stops making payments*
Mother’s maiden name: Mom
Mother’s first name: Mom
Mother’s last name: MomWhy do they even asks such dumb questions?
Finding Nemo 2? I swear, if that kid gets lost again Finding Nemo 3 better be where child services locks the dad up for extreme negligence.
I have so many questions.
When I sit down and the toilet seat is warm, I like to imagine someone rubbed a freshly baked loaf of bread on it.
Don’t ruin this for me!
my kids just finished a game of monopoly without fighting. they’re playing it wrong.
We have 25 people coming over tomorrow for a bbq. 6 moms. 6 dads. 13 toddlers under the age of 4. My husband said if I took our girls out today that he’d ‘get the house ready.’ What did he clean in the 2 hours we were gone? The top of the fridge. He cleans the TOP OF THE FRIDGE.
the revolution will not be YOU HAVE REACHED YOUR LIMIT OF 3 FREE ARTICLES THIS MONTH PLEASE SUBSCRIBE TO READ MORE
[breakfast]
ME: please pass the egg snow and the toast ketchup
WIFE: *reluctantly hands me the salt and jelly* you are really something else dude
My younger brother has a PhD in material engineering, and I do stand up comedy which to be fair is also material engineering
just found out Mr. Miyagi’s first name was Trent, I hate hollywood
Don’t text and drive. Just pull over until you’re done using your phone. That’s what I do. I’ve been on the side of the road since 2011.
My nickname for my mother is Hannibal Lecture.
Had pizza for every meal, just one piece. Breakfast, lunch, snack, dinner. Four pieces total, but I’m 700 calories over budget which makes me want to eat the other four.
I told my 2.5yo we were looking for a house with three bedrooms, a room for him, his sister, and us.
Him: I want five bedrooms.
Me: why? So we can have more kids?
Him: No. More parents.
Not me walking to the supermarket and feeling cute in my polka dot summer dress until an elderly woman stops to point out we’re wearing the same dress.
“We’re promoting you to Anchor”
Reporters: 🙂
Sailors: 🙁
billy joel: we didn’t start the fire
detective: I haven’t mentioned a fire
billy joel: shit
Enough with the fist bumping. I never understand what is happening. This time I held my hands open because I thought he was giving me M&Ms
When I laugh on my period
“i am trapped in a loveless marriage help me obi-wan you’re my only hope” “use divorce, luke”
Divorce:
Step 1: She throws all your shit in the street
Step 2: The judge says you have to give it all back to her.
If you are interested in me, now is the time to shoot your shot. My standards are incredibly low.
The main problem with having a tattoo is that whenever you go to a small town there’s always a slight chance that the locals will have a prophecy about an outsider bearing that exact mark.
One pretty important part of being a dad is walking faster than the rest of your family through an airport.
yeah i have a drinking problem. it’s called dehydration
My flabber has been gasted.
Honk if you are flying south for the winter in a V formation.