My husband gets into the holiday spirit by saying JESUS CHRIST over and over while putting up the Christmas tree.
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Not sure who graded these eggs as Extra-Large, but I’m guessing it was a guy.
TV Show Idea:
Speculation news.
A sort of news programme that uses a small amount of information and stretches it out for hours on end with absolutely no further facts other than speculation based on nothing at all, by self appointed experts in unrelated subjects.
my tamagotchi skills didn’t translate into parenting skills as seamlessly as i had hoped
93% of men in the 1930s ate their lunch while sitting on the edge of scaffolding at the top of unfinished skyscrapers in New York city.
[roleplaying]
her: this is weird
me: [dressed as lumiere from beauty and the beast] say “i’ve been burned by you before”
her: [dressed as the feather duster] no
That awkward moment when you whip off your shirt and realize you never put on your swimsuit
Me: Can I order the conch fritters please?
Waitress: The “ch” is pronounced like a “k”
Me: Okay Bick.
Pigeons imply the existence of pigcenturies and pigmillennia.
I’m sorry I gotta go. I’m gonna be late for my wife’s post grocery shopping orientation where we cover “snacks and treats that are meant for the kids.”
Kids today have it easy!
In the old days, before smartphones & Instagram, by the time we finished the painting, our food was already cold.
Me: Wow, you’re glowing.
Her: Aaaaww, thank you!
Me: No, like radioactive…
Her: . . .
Me: Tone down the filters?
Of all the galaxies that have ever existed, how do all of these idiots manage to come into mine?
-Me at work talking to guests.
what doesn’t kill me should try again tomorrow
In the next Mad Max movie instead of fighting over gasoline they should be fighting over toilet paper.
Wife snake: Did you eat the last rat?
Husband snake (shape of rat in stomach): What rat?
My dog was outside barking like a maniac, so I opened the back door and screamed, “Jesus Christ! Get in the God damn house!”
Two minutes later, my husband came home and told me that our neighbors are having an Easter egg hunt…outside.
I guess I have to move now.
*pees on all the jellyfish on the beach preventatively*
It should’ve been a red flag when my ex told me that he got his futon mattress/bed out of a dumpster, but then I married him for 20 years.
The lady behind me in line was in a hurry to get out of the grocery store so I decided to write a check to pay for my stuff.
i will avenge u mr van gogh
Teachers: “AI is a disaster, how am I going to know who is cheating?!”
Students:
I’m sure a spider is never scrutinized for spending too much time on the web.
*sees lost cat*
Hey buddy you lost
*reads tag*
there’s a phone number
*dials number*
*little cell phone in cats pocket starts ringing*
My secret talent is pushing all your buttons and helping you discover new buttons you didn’t know you had.
when I say “I want a boyfriend” I mean that I want to magically wake up one day in a peaceful and balanced 5 year relationship, not that I want to date or meet people or put in the effort towards making it a tangible reality
just found out the nhs had my height down as 88cm instead of 1.88 metres and now wondering if my early vaccine was because they thought i was a short dangerously large man
i like to start most sentences with “as a writer…” because it’s important to me that everyone know i am, at my core, a liar
Every time I look into baby carriages, there’s always an INFANT inside and never a very small, old-timey gangster smoking a cigar.
Disappointing.
BLIND DATE TIP FOR WOMEN: Throw a fork into the wall behind ur date so he has to turn around, to make sure he doesn’t have a hidden ponytail
When he was very, very young the Greek philosopher was a mere Aristoddler.