My husband gets so cranky when I come home from the pool with only a fraction of the kids I left with

You Might Also Like


Him: So whattayou wanna do?

Her: I dunno

Him: So…You wanna play video games?

Her: No!

Him: So…You wanna watch me play video games?


This meeting could have been an email. That email could have been a fistfight in the alley


I was so touched last week when a shopkeeper handed my 3yo a donut without checking with me, that today I gave his teen a bag of heroin.


Reading a magazine waiting at the checkout and was told, “this is not a library”, so I read it out loud.


I let people know that I’m no weirdo. I say “I’m no weirdo!” From that point forward, it’s just a matter of keeping my mouth off their pets.


wait did that Australian guy say “meteorite” or “mate are ya alright?”
*gets hit by a meteorite*
“hey mate are ya alri… no you’re dead*


Sorry I yelled “GET A ROOM!” at your grandson’s wrestling tournament.


Little Kid: wanna hear a joke?
Me: life is meaningless without death
Little Kid: why did the chicken cro- wait what?