My husband got a notification that “there’s a familiar face” at the door.
It was the Amazon delivery guy, y’all.
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hmmm
I baked a carrot cake that tasted so delicious that it improved my eyesight with just one slice.
It’s not a walk of shame if you leave on a pogo stick.
a centaur has six limbs, a lower abdomen (horse torso), and an upper thorax (human torso), categorically making it a bug
“I am doing well.” – Russian man having sex with a well
[repeatedly mashing elevator button]
him: you know that doesn’t make it come any quicker
[starts licking elevator button]
My toddler is holding a calculator and shouting things at me I don’t understand. I feel like I’m back in my college math class.
Husband: “Let me use your phone a minute.”
Me: (Feeds phone to a pelican)
coworker: anyone else smell lasagna?
me excited about my new vape juice: guess what
our love story in four pictures
4: Mommy hear me count to 10,000
Me:
I bought way too much food when the pandemic began and now my tater tots are tater tweens.
Attention Walmart Shoppers –
There is someone dressed
Appropriately in
Aisle 12
I’m not a racist. Racism is a crime and crime is for black people.
good for her
[wife walks in on me showering]
“Why are you wearing swim trunks?”
No reason.
[she glares at me]
SO MY TEMPORARY TATTOOS DON’T COME OFF OKAY
time traveler: i love your volcano
pompeiian: our what?
time traveler: your mountain, your normal mountain
Explaining email to a time traveler: It’s like a mail but I get it on my device. For example *pointing at American Red Cross email* this person asks me for some of my blood, every day.
Real women don’t wish their enemies would die, just that they’ll get fat.
I’m totally against race mixing–I mean how can these horses seriously compete in NASCAR
BREAKING: Popeye Expresses Outrage as Pope Goes to Mount Olive
If you turn your head back and forth really fast you can see your ears.
*feels painful possible cavity*
*eats chocolate to feel better*
How and why my FUR ROOM exists
“Ho ho oh my God I can’t stop giggling!” -Santa Claus, after eating cookies in homes across Canada
Before I die, I’m putting fake treasure maps behind all my picture frames.
My grand children will be so pwned.
I’m offended that horses don’t put their hooves over their hearts during the National Anthem when they win a gold in equestrian events.
no one warned me parenting would include being held hostage until I find an acceptable answer to what unicorns eat
They went back to his place after what could only be described as the perfect first date.
“So, what are you really looking for?” he asked her.
“Honestly,” she laughed. “A guy that can load a dishwasher correctly.”
“Go ahead, open it.” he replied, a grin forming on his face.
Spell check changed “important” to “impotent” so basically I have a meeting in the morning that can’t get it up.