My husband got barbecue sauce on my mom’s favorite white tablecloth. For five whole minutes I wasn’t the biggest disappointment in her life.
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I got a T-shirt with an Ouija board printed on the back and now I get free massages from superstitious people.
[at the pet store]
Me: is this all the animals?
Owner: what you see is what we got
Me: damn, i was looking for a chameleon
I got a facial tonight by hovering over the boiling water before throwing in the mac n cheese.
Wife: you’ve been a naughty boy *peels off clothes* You need to be punished
Me: yes, I do!
Wife: do the laundry
{commercial for boats}
Tired of your car not knowing how to swim?
“My ex was a great wife, mom & never once complained once about ass to mouth” was apparently not an acceptable speech when she remarried?
Damn girl are you the sun because you need to stay 92,960,000 miles away from me.
can’t imagine the number of vampires that have been run over since back up cameras on cars were invented.
[I open my lunchbox at work to find an apple]
‘But that means…’
[Cut to Isaac Newton in 1666, jumping up from under a tree while wiping cold spaghetti out of his eyes]
If you put dry teabags in shoes they absorb the odor. So your shoes smell good but the tea tastes so bad it’s almost not worth it
Didn’t find out until I got to work that these exposed-shoulder tops are intended for women.
[getting selected to be on a game show] do you have a satin shirt in a primary color
Never understood when the movie rating says “May contain nudity.” Are there people on the ratings board who aren’t sure if they just saw someone naked?
RELATIONSHIP STATUS:
100% of car accidents happen within exactly five miles of something. If you’re within five miles of anything right now, move.
doctor looking at his iPad: oh no, this isn’t good …
Me: give it to me straight doc what is it
doctor: well, I forgot my wifi password
You didn’t have to say “he’s a male nurse.” When you said ‘he’ my psychic ability of gender discernment kicked in.
I used to work with a guy who was unemployed.
When you didn’t plan your story very well.
It would be awesome if the Joker movie ended with Batman yelling “Oh HELL no” off camera and swooping in and just beating the absolute shit out of him.”
Golf Tip: Be sure and yell “FORE” before throwing your golf club at a jogger.
This morning the cat gently nudged my sleep mask off of my eyes at exactly 7:30 AM, an adorable – but ultimately unacceptable – development.
I have two things hanging up in my office:
1. Pictures of my family
2. Generic emails from HR about things I specifically know I did
*slips the attendant $20* “make sure you pick me out a good one”
Sir this is a daycare…
“uh huh *winks* a daycare”
Shred some cheese for me? Thanks, you’re the gratist
road expansion addicts be like “just one more lane bro i promise traffic will be fixed, just one more i can stop whenever”
My husband doesn’t understand why I don’t just lock the door if I want to go to the bathroom alone, so next time he goes to poop I’m going to bang on the door and scream the whole time.
hey babe come look at the cat. he looks the same as he always does and hes just sitting there. babe come look. hey come look at the cat
[seeing a picture of myself]
Revolting. Burn it
[hearing a recording of my voice]
Awful. Grating
[seeing my tweets]
Genius. A blessing to this world
Find you a girl that can lay eggs.