My husband got me a really sweet card for our anniversary. I read the whole way through, and the very last part says “happy birthday” 😂
He was so close.
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Told my son I went into labor on thanksgiving but he came on Black Friday and he asked me if I got a discount.
My mom once asked if Jack Frost was based on a true story. Jack Frost is a movie where a father dies and returns as a snowman.
WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.
If you’re having second thoughts, you’re 2 ahead of most people.
me: ugh I hate when the bank is crowded like this
[outside]
getaway driver: did he just get in line
My wife left me for a fisherman.
Poor guy’s still reeling.
Cheers Twitter.
[Being chased by killer]
Me: *Frantically tries to finish my Amazon order*
Seductively sings in Klingon.
I wore a training bra for years and these things still don’t listen to a word I say
I’d totally shake what my momma gave me but abandonment issues aren’t really a tangible physical manifestation…..
Today is the first day of the rest of your life and you’ve already screwed it up.
When angered, the female can text message at speeds of up to 1,600 words per minute.
Questions my toddler asked me this week:
– Which is better, a tree or yogurt?
– Do frogs know that they are frogs?
– Why do they still make regular blueberries when the chocolate ones are better?
– Were you ever alive?How about your kid?
I possess a devastating combination of perfectionism and incompetence
Writing tip: Give your characters different names. If all your characters are named “Nathan”, readers will become confused.
First man discovered fire. Then he invented the wheel. Then there was, like, 500 years where he just kept setting the wheel on fire.
Allow me to slip into something more out the window.
The inventor of cheese: This milk is nice but I wish I could bite it.
My wife’s late for work because I unplugged her alarm so I could charge my phone. She’s mad, but at least I can tell you guys about it.
Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
[job interview]
“Tell me a weakness.”
I never finish what I start.
“Care to elaborate?”
*grabbing my stuff* Nah, I gotta get going.
Everything started to go south when I realized I didn’t know how to read a map.
At least, I think it went south.
[childbirth]
her: omg its agony
me: i thought we agreed on tiffany
WATER POLO INSTRUCTOR: “Are you sure you know what you’re doing?”
ME: [Adjusting the mask & snorkel on my horse] “Of course I do.”
“Oh my gosh, this is the biggest donut I’ve ever seen.”
“Mam, that’s a tire.”
“Kids, get me a napkin.”
i did the math and a second job would help me get out of debt as long as i start it twelve years ago
Rather than vote, let’s all fill out the 29 dimensions of what we want in a president and let eHarmony decide.
I have never understood why people need to shovel snow. Why don’t they just live someplace warm where it doesn’t snow?
shut up and take my money