My husband got new earbuds. Think I’ll skip the middle man and put them straight in the washing machine.
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Friend: So, you are distantly related to the family next door, are you?
Me: Yes, their dog is our dog’s brother.
[orders 2,000 Big Macs thinking I’ll only have to tell my mom ‘I love her’ for them]
Cashier: that’ll be $5,364.32
Me: shit
Saw a Police Officer standing right in the middle of the road, in front of traffic, with his hand up, but when I go in for the high 5 suddenly I’m the idiot.
i know this website has poisoned my brain because an earthquake just shook my bedroom, and mid-quake my very first thought was “oh boy, here come the tweets”
Even if I was bitten by a radioactive spider, I’d still be inherently lazy. I wouldn’t be out fighting crime, I’d just be slinging a web to grab some snacks without getting up from the couch.
Wife: [on phone]
Me: Who are you calling?
Wife: The fire department.
Me: Why?
Wife: I need a permit to light your birthday candles.
– “… He accidentally drank some radioactive milk and became_
– MILKMAN!!
– No. He became gravely ill and died. What are you? An idiot?!”
The Notebook (2004) A stranger harasses a nursing home resident with stories about people she doesn’t know (PG-13 2hr 3min)
Reached a point in my life that I have no ‘bones to pick’ nor ‘axes to grind’. Most would call it forgiveness, I call it memory loss and it’s peaceful.
Allow me to slip into something more out the window.
The best way to get the woman of your dreams is to comment “gorgeous” on a minimum of 52 of her selfies.
giv a man a fish adn he’ll say “wat is this i ordered a mcflurry”
teach a man to fish adn he’ll say “how ar u the manager of this mcdonalds”
Marriage tip: There is never an appropriate time after a meal your wife cooked to say “This is not what Jesus died for”.
You paid for a vanity plate that doesn’t make sense. Good job.
My daughter just called it the “Heimlich Remover” and I’m choking with laughter.
LinkedIn is the best dating app because you know whether your potential love knows how to use Microsoft Excel.
I almost got ran over by joggers. I saved myself by pretending to be a stop light. I got away while they jogged in place.
*pulls away from kissing*
JUDGE: That was unexpected and kind of nice, but you’re still guilty.
Sure stepping on a Lego is painful, but have you ever twisted your ankle tripping over a cold and shamed Natalie Imbruglia lying naked on the floor?
Kids make friends in 5 seconds, adults make friends in 5 drinks.
Me: *taps one-night-stand on forehead* Unfollowed.
One-Night-Stand: It doesn’t work like that…
Me: *taps him on forehead again* Blocked.
me: how do you say one in Spanish anyway
them: uno
me: no i don’t
The human body can survive three weeks without food, three days without water but only three hours without wifi.
Every time my kid says “Dad, remember when…” in front of his friends I know I’m about to hear the craziest lie and I’m all in on it
friend: I have cancer
me: (remembering that laughter is the best medicine) lol
I was best man at my friend’s 2nd wedding. I started my speech with “welcome back everyone” he was not happy #weddingfail
Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.
Bobby pin
*Babysitting my 7 year old nephew*
My sister: And don’t let him eat too much junk food. And don’t let him talk to strangers. And don’t let him stay up too late watching scary movies.
My nephew: Ok i’ll try.
Voting has begun in Russia’s presidential election. Results will be known last week