My husband had to sign a form stating he understands his mother’s cremation is nonreversible. I weep for our species.
You Might Also Like
Me, day twenty of law school:
Your diligence, the prosecution rests.
Judge: Counselor, for the third time…you are the defense.
Me: Shit! Can I go again?
If you buy something with a lifetime warranty and it breaks, the manufacturer will send a hitman to your house.
The worst part of a 30-minute workout is the final 29 minutes.
Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…
The fact that my AC suggests “church” after “I’m heading to…” suggests I have a dumb phone instead of a smart phone.
If you love someone, set them free. If they come back with two police officers, you’ll know that setting them free was a bad idea.
No one is more optimistic than a woman who straightens her hair in 90% humidity
Just heard a young parent say “Brantley is a demon child.” Well, you’re the one who named him Brantley. Maybe take a hard look in the mirror, Judith.
wife: We just ate, why are you making pancakes?
me: They’re for the dogs
wife: Why are you making pancakes for the dogs?
me: They don’t know how
Wife: You’ll never guess what I got you for your birthday.
Me: A 3-way with your sister?
Wife: *storms out
Me: omg did I ruin the surprise?
This aging app is really getting people’s hopes up that the world will still be here when they’re old
*lights low
*her fingers tracing a scar on my arm
Her: How’d you get this?
Me: *softly I whisper* Are you familiar with Scrapbooking?
Son, we don’t play Hungry Hungry Hippos for “fun.” We play it to learn how friends turn on each other in moments of desperation and scarcity
“Pay attention to me, but not too much. Ignore me, but make me feel wanted. Let me know you want me, but don’t be clingy.”-women
bully: [grabs journal] what’s this? “tweet ideas”?
me: hey give that back 🙁
[he opens it and the only entry reads “hobo is short for homeless boneless”]
A recipe book of “traditional English meals” called ‘we’re getting the bland back together’
Thank god my mom keeps forwarding emails on how best to clean and what foods to stock during the pandemic. I haven’t eaten or bathed since I left her house 19 years ago.
If you ever ask a teen to do something and they just say “sure” without arguing, check that they haven’t been replaced with an android.
Whoever named the moon did a horrible job, that thing controls our oceans they should’ve tried harder
Ugh. My bed is infested with children.
I never had a childhood bully, but I do have a toddler, so same.
NARRATOR: When camping be wary of savage bears trying to take your food
*camera pans to a bear holding glass of wine with a wtf expression
*watching Dateline* wow this is the worst dating show ever
Anytime someone loses something in the office HR doesn’t ask if anyone’s seen it, they just send out an email that says “Give it back Josh”
*fingers myself with giant foam Sharknado 2 finger
COWORKER: Hi, this is embarrassing. *whispers* can I borrow a tampon?
ME: Sure, just leave it on my desk when you’re done.
I’m holding my head high and my middle finger a bit higher.
SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment
ME: what if it’s sent by ship
SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo
Every time I cross the border into Canada they search my car with a fine tooth comb.
Maybe I should take off the “Honk if you love the Taliban” bumper sticker.
Like jury duty, people should be randomly selected to work awful retail or food service shifts, just so everyone understands how horribly these folks are treated
Imagine lawyers calling in to their firms like, “Ugh the case will have to wait, just got called for Applebee’s duty”.