My husband has a blanket pulled up over his face.
I think this means he wants me to talk to him.
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Just tell me those 3 words I am dying to hear:
“The meeting’s cancelled.”
I don’t know how to break it to the new dog, but ours is not a parkour house.
Recipe idea: Add ADDITIONAL cheese to your frozen pizza to make pizza with EXTRA CHEESE! (Ladies, you may pin this on your pinny web thing.)
My daughter just called it the “Heimlich Remover” and I’m choking with laughter.
My charger only works if my phone is on a 45 degree angle, resting on a tiny pillow with Pat Benatar playing quietly in the background.
I feel like I’d do well in a zombie apocalypse. Not from survival or fighting skills. I just think the zombies would just recognize my similar dislike of moving quickly and enjoyment of biting people and accept me as one of their own.
The average person swallows 3 cats on their drive home from work.
If Kim Kardashian & Snooki were drowning & I could only save one, I’d have a hard time deciding whether to make a sandwich or take a nap.
Personal trainer: you must learn to listen to your body
My body: lifting weights is difficult, go play video games and eat ice cream
My soon to be ex-wife just told me I need to face my demons.
WTF. I was looking right at her.
Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection.
Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way.
Mechanic [looking the other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection.
Eating chocolate pudding from a diaper is a good way to get a whole row to yourself at the cinema.
You lost your mind? Don’t worry. Ask any mom and she’ll find it within two minutes.
When one door opens, another one opens, and then another, and another. Because kids.
Every time I’m around my mother in law, I wonder who is running hell in her absence.
Pro tip: when a cop asks you to step out of the car, don’t reply with “I’m too drunk, you get in.”
My husband asked what I was doing and my phone changed tweeting to twerking and now he has questions.
[being chased around my house by a murderer]
ME: PLEASE STOP, THIS IS JUST SENSELESSMURDERER: What?
ME [puts Fitbit on] Ok carry on
[Sesame Street casting]
Director: We need role models for the kids
“There’s a grouch and a cookie addict”
Director: Anything else?
“Two jobless roommates”
Director: First of all I love it
My suicide notes just keep turning into grocery lists.
disguised vampire: i put my sweat and tears into this project
boss: what about blood
disguised vampire: huh?
boss: *narrowing eyes* you do have blood right
disguised vampire: haha vhat do u mean
Am I pissed my dad’s been gone for 25 years going to the store for “cigarettes”? Probably not as pissed as he is. The line must be out of control.
*Seductively hides in the woods
cop: [pointing at me] he with you?
him: never seen him before
me: [welling up] what the hell Jerry we literally just robbed a bank together
If you read the entire dictionary technically you’ve read every book but out of order.
side view mirror: be careful that car on your right is pretty close
me: it’s fine there’s room
side view mirror: IT’S PRACTICALLY INSIDE YOU
Invention: When your heart stops beating, your smartphone and laptop instantaneously explode.
PATENT PENDING!!
Friend: I can’t stand one-uppers.
Me: I can’t stand them more.
Sometimes my kids are so cute it hurts my heart just to look at them.
Other times they’re awake.
*Telephone Rings*
Advice Nurse: Hello, how can I assist you today?
Werewolf: *sweating* CAN I EAT CHOCOLATE?