My husband has a blanket pulled up over his face.
I think this means he wants me to talk to him.
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robber: empty the register, no funny business
joke store owner: oh no
Telling people to ban same sex marriage cuz of your religion is like telling the supermarket to stop selling junk food cuz you’re on a diet.
There is actually a grim reaper for every species. The mantis reaper is the coolest and the scariest and she doesn’t even have to use a scythe.
If Natalie Portman dated Jacques Cousteau they would win celebrity couple nicknaming forever with “Portmanteau.”
[eraser factory]
BOSS: what makes u think ur right for the job?
ME: *hands him blank piece of paper* I think my resumé speaks for itself
My computer: hey friend, I’ve only got 55 minutes left on my battery
My computer two minutes later: LMAO!! *dies*
Sorry I got kicked out of the auditorium for yelling GET A TOMB YOU TWO during your little brother’s 9th grade production of Romeo & Juliet.
Love this one 😂🧟
If I ever own my own company, the logo will be something majestic and exhilarating, like a tiger hang gliding.
A cheetah stalking its prey would be jealous of the way I pounce on the Skip Ad button on YT once the 5 seconds are up.
this is my brain when people are trying to explain card game rules to me:
[tattoo parlor]
“WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?!?”
“You said you wanted something that said that life is all about taking-“
“Wisks!”
“Right. That’s why I-”
“I’m weally disappointed.”
When I die I want to come back as a speed bump so I can piss people off
This is one of the many reasons that I am chubby
Who wants to hear about my Wordle streak? Anyone? Hey, where ya guys going?
My cat looks at me like “I would have been a god in ancient Egypt, I’ll have you know”.
My 10 yr old daughter was saying how stressful life is but she did add “well, at least I’ve managed to go 10 years without drinking”
Most of my exercise comes from getting up to let the cat in and out.
a potato meteor that cooks itself as it hurdles toward the earth and lands on your plate hot and ready
me: when the weinermobile goes through the car wash do they take the bun portion off or do they just let it get all soggy
judge: i meant questions about your life sentence
Grammar Nazi hiding in Argentina captured after being baited on social media with an inappropriate you’re usage
Parenting is a mix of having no idea what your child is talking about and hoping to god they don’t start explaining it.
Santa- “ho ho ho, Mer-“
Me- “tf did you just call me?”
I was so happy my mail order bride arrived today.
My Wife wasn’t.
She did say I can use the crate as a doghouse.
Odd, we don’t own a dog.
I cleaned the cabinet windows and now you can see how untidy it is inside.
When you wave your hand under automatic soap dispenser for 45 seconds and nothing, then it dispenses the minute you switch to the next one.
just watched a documentary about a guy who pushed himself 3,100 miles across the united states in a wheelchair because my remote is on the other end of the couch
I like running up to kids, punching a puppy in the face and screaming “WHERE IS YOUR GOD NOW?” And that’s my long-term solution to religion.
The last 23,000 tweets were sent by my dog and bad decisions.
Date: Uhh seriously?
Me: Oh don’t tell me you don’t sneak food into the movies too
*dips lobster in my pocket filled with melted butter*