My husband has been hiccuping for almost an hour now. I’d scare him, but we ate chili earlier.
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I just referred to tongs as ‘food tweezers’ in case you want to be in awe of my command of the English language.
I never drive behind someone with a dream catcher hanging from the rearview mirror.
DO YOU THINK YOU MIGHT FALL ASLEEP AT ANY MOMENT?!?
“PS, I love you” — Me to my PlayStation.
imagine getting fired from the sperm bank for drinking on the job and having to constantly clarify that
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
Just blocked everyone who is not in my gang so if you’re reading this, we’re robbing a bank in 12 minutes
me: my new book is fantastic
friend: can i borrow it when you’re done?
me: you can’t color it in twice
dog: *snickers*
priest: *sighs*
coworker: you should try my therapist.
me: i’ve seen their work. no thanks.
I’m gonna get full size candy bars and hand them out to just one member of each group on Halloween to create division amongst the children
My gas mower died so I replaced it with an electric one. It doesn’t smoke or smell and is really quiet and now I don’t know how I’m supposed to alert the rival dads when I’m beating them to cutting the grass.
Winters, when your handwriting turns out the same no matter which hand you use.
The perennially hyped name “Super Moon” insults the legacy of Superman, Super Volcanoes, Supernovae, and even Super Mario.
Satisfied that he had all the ingredients he needed, Phineas moved on to the next big question – how to get it into the dog’s food.
– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat dude.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”
Things my cat eats: grass
Things my cat shouldn’t eat: grassThings my cat should eat: cat food
Things my cat doesn’t eat: cat foodColour of my cat: black and white
Colour of cows: black and whiteSynopsis: My cat is a cow
Yeah, I know what my neighbors wear to bed. Not because I look in their windows; I just see them during the day at Walmart.
If you don’t think kids will use any excuse to fight, mine are currently arguing over whose fever is higher
Imagine the conversations between
the fly on the wall and the elephant
in the room after everyone leaves.
Now that I’m vaccinated I’m up for any social activity as long as it starts at six, ends by seven, involves food and doesn’t require real pants.
I am “I have to go to bed because my back hurts from sitting on the couch” years old.
I’ve hired a circus clown for my funeral.
Not for any of that celebrate my life bullshit, just to sit silently at the back to freak my family out.
According to this Fitbit, the coroner should’ve been here 10 minutes ago.
In the future:
“So Zionists tried to take a people’s home and said god gave it to them.”
“So what happened?”
“Apparently god disagreed.”
Date: I know a lot of dance styles
Me: *trying to impress* Uh me too
Date: Any ballroom?
Me: Yeah, my pants are relaxed fit
Date: What
Me: What
Nothing displeases me more than when a friend gets into a serious plane crash after I’ve specifically told them to have a safe flight.
my premium snap prices:
-pics of me crying: $5
-videos of me crying: $10
-videos of me crying in the mirror while throwing the peace sign: $15
*Naming my child*
WIFE: What’s the girl version of Matt?
ME:… Mattress?
It’s funny how—especially in small towns—we think of lit porch lights as a symbol of welcoming. I leave mine on so the guy who paints himself purple won’t steal any more of my chairs.
sorry, eggs benedict are way too fancy for me. bring me some eggs steve