My husband has texted me 12 times from the grocery store with questions. He’s only made it to aisle 4. Pray for me.
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a firefly accidentally calling one of the stars in the night sky “mom” lol like how embarassing
Co-pilot: you need to let the passengers know but keep them calm
Me *presses intercom* how fun is swimming?!
Turn your trip to the grocery store into a ninja challenge by shopping strictly out of other people’s carts when they’re not looking.
Hi 911, I’d like to report a drunk naked guy blasting off truck nuts w/ a shotgun. Time of incident? [takes drink] In about 20 minutes lol
I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”
I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship
NPR Presents “8-Armed Bandits: Why Octopi Can’t Be Trusted”
– a cephalopodcast
If we just switch to cursive and ban automatic transmissions, we can cripple an entire generation.
Angry like someone who’s gone three straight spoonfuls of raisin bran without getting a raisin.
told someone “my scrubs are made from cotton but i’m made of boyfriend material” then they blocked me immediately
FRIEND: Make her the center of attention
ME: Okay
[later at restaurant]
ME: *throws food at next table*
ME: *pointing at date* SHE DID IT
Satan: *rubbing temples* For the love of God and everything holy, put your clothes back on.
Me: Not until you turn the heat down.
My 2020 gratitude journal is written entirely in profanity.
and the Oscar for best actor goes to me for sitting at my desk and pretending to work
I bought my husband of 21 years a sweatshirt and I stole it from him and that’s how we keep our marriage fresh
“Get at least 8 hours of beauty sleep. 9 if you’re ugly.” – Betty White
When comedians die, why does everyone tell them to “make God laugh”? You wouldn’t order a dead carpenter to “make God some bookshelves.”
Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…
Me: You did?
Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!
Some people should be forced to carry a plant around with them, to replace the oxygen they waste.
half of halloween decorations are “what if a pumpkin could smile :)” and the other half is “would you like to see a clown stab a dog”.
Oh, you want to fight? Ok, one second *takes off glasses, removes retainer, unpins towel cape, empties snacks from pockets, sets down kitten
we paid junk removal services come to take some old mattresses and stuff out of my parents’ basement and my sister overheard the guys whispering to each other “man it looks like The Conjuring down here”
my kid can’t remember where her shoes are but remembers that 13 months ago i said maybe i would take her to see micky mouse for her fifth birthday which is of course in two weeks and of course we are not going
construction worker: [pulls lever to pour cement out of truck]
me: [tumbles out instead] i accidentally ate all your sidewalk pudding again
alexa, make my husband understand me like your amazon targeted ads do
Married people be like:
[Quarantine, day 3]
It’s been 89 days since I last had sex
[wife looking at credit card statement] did you buy a “talk like lil jon” audiobook
me: WHAT
Me: what do you want for dinner?
3yo: nothing.
Me: you want cheese on that nothing?
3yo: yes please.
If you actually call it junk drawer you’ll stop putting stuff in it and another drawer becomes official junk drawer
HOUSE: I had dreams but no I’ll just stay here & let u live in me, fine whatever
WIFE: Did u hear something
ME: It’s just the house settling
I got all my coworkers condoms and bibles for Valentines Day because I’m praying they get laid