My husband hasn’t forgiven me for answering ‘Okie dokie artichokie’ instead of utilizing the more socially acceptable phrase, “I do.”
You Might Also Like
I’m starting to suspect that all these women with “princess” on their license plate frames are not really princesses at all.
This morning in my local coffee shop.
Customer: “A large mug with four shots of espresso and the rest filled with milk, please.”
Barista: “Are you sure? That’s a latte coffee!”
#EspressoDay #WednesdayThought #RubbishJokes
A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking…
One day, I hope to give someone a small, very personal item and then gently close their fingers over it
Sorry I said you and your husband look related.
i am going as a ‘credit card’ to this halloween party, cause i plan on being used irresponsibly.
Should have let Marvel produce 2020.
ADIDAS: All Day I Dream About Sellingfeetpics
Shark Week is just another made up holiday to sell more sharks
ME: If we get nuked I hope my cats live. They can eat my corpse for sustenance. I’d be fine with that.
DAD: So you’re still single
I hope that if I ever have to call 9-1-1 for an emergency an essential oil person is not the operator.
Help, I’m hurt.
Try Lavender.
I’ve found the perfect way to keep my plants healthy. I leave them at the garden center as nature intended.
my gf bought a table, a doily, and then a much smaller table and a much smaller doily
In high school I was voted “I’m not really sure who that guy is”.
“It’s MY WIIIIFE, it’s now or never” – Borat Jovi
I’m not even remotely sorry
Bruce Willis is watching Brokeback Mountain & shaking his head. “Silly Cowboy! Thats not a horse hahaha he’s trying to ride the man bwahaha”
The first fireman to get called to rescue a cat in a tree must have had the hose wrestled from him before someone told him to get a ladder.
ME: I promise it will be different this time
THE BOOKS I NEVER READ: *throwing the flowers I brought into the compost*
Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.
Our tv was on with the volume a smidge louder than societal norms, my husband was watching a YouTube video on his phone at medium volume, I was watching a tiktok on my phone full blast and my daughter walks in and yells, “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD BUY HEADPHONES.”
No one heard her.
What do I look for in a girl? Well she has to be hot. And well-rounded. And cheesy. Extra guac. Wait, wrong list, this is my Chipotle order.
See you when you get home from school, I whisper to my kid’s apple
My inner monologue 90% of the time: “I don’t get it.”
[sitting in dentist’s chair]
Dentist: get out of my living room
I showed my kids how to use encyclopedias. I stacked four of them to reach something on the top shelf.
You grab a lizard by the tail and those fuckers will just hit the “detach” switch and book it. If peoples legs did that, we’d be fucked.
ME: *walks in with ball rammed into my mouth* Happeh nuh?
JUDGE: Not what a gagging order means! Are you sure you want to defend yourself?
Facebook: People trying to save the world one uneducated post at a time
As a parent it’s my job to shout “Be careful!” at my children just after they’ve fallen over
[First Date]
“Okay don’t let her know you’re a tool shed”
Waiter: Anything to drink?
Date: a screwdriver please
*My head slowly opens*