My husband hates his new job as my IT guy.
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Genie: what is your first wish
Me: can you fold this fitted sheet please
G: I’m a genie not a witch
Was your teacher drunk when he made your multiple choice test?
1) Yes
Δ) No
%) I love you guys
M) 8
•) Potato
Maybe being fat isn’t bad, it just sounds awful because we say ‘morbidly obese’. Let’s switch it to ‘cheerfully obese’ and see what happens.
Roses are red,
Daisies are free.I’ll never forget you,
It burns when I pee.
I refuse to wear a mask into the store. “Ma’am, we can’t let you in here,” one of the associates explains. I storm off in a huff. The year is 2005, and I am once again too ugly to buy cream cheese
At least I can garauntee that if I’m murdered nobody is going to pull that whole, ‘She lit up a room’ crap.
My boss yelled at me for napping at work, even though I had a clearly posted “do not disturb” sign.
When I die if anyone is all like, ‘She was so full of life,’ just know that it was mostly cheese that I was full of
My dance moves are best described as a woman trying to put on pants 4 sizes too small, with a wasp flying around her head.
I don’t need a home security system for my safety because as soon as someone breaks in and hears me moaning in the hallway from falling out of the bed, they’ll just turn around a leave.
When texting a girl “will you marry me” what’s the best emoji to use?
*breathing becomes rapid and pulse starts racing*
I…I’ve never felt…SO ALIVE!
*holds up 11th nugget from 10 piece box, for all to see*
Still disappointed that the only hard thing in my bed lately has been my mattress.
The forest creatures begin stampeding.
You turn to me, clearly scared.
“We have no reason to fear the animals,” I reassure you.
You smile nervously. “Thank go—”
“Worry about whatever’s spooking them.”
AND ANOTHER THING, is a person in a casket a hot dog, sandwich or ravioli?
Six words that strike fear in the hearts of parents everywhere:
You’ve been volunteered as a chaperone
knowing stuff is probably the worst thing you could do for your mental health
I caught a genie! He keeps saying “I’m not a genie. Let me go!” Whatever, Ahmed. You can go when I get my magic carpet. I know my rights.
ME: *walks into a locksmith shop with hands cuffed behind my back* I was arrested but the cop let me go and he forgot to take off the handcuffs.
LOCKSMITH: Uh huh, sure, and you want me to—
ME: Can you scratch my nose?
I love the idea of a fruitarian, just morally affronted that anyone could eat a baby spinach.
What do hostages eat? #ThingsYouDontAskAlexa
When I say “wow, that’s crazy”, 99 percent of the time, it means I haven’t been listening to a word of your conversation.
Voldemort: I’m here to kill Harry Pott- [struggling to open baby gate]
James Potter: push down and then pull back
Voldemort: I am [still struggling]
Lily Potter: jiggle it he needs to jiggle it
Voldemort: I AM JIGGLING IT; You know what forget it I’ll come back when he’s 10
Parenthood is just chauffeuring a bunch of people you don’t want to chauffeur, to places you don’t want to go, at times you don’t even want to be awake, to do things you don’t want to do, for prices you damn sure can’t afford.
THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full
Yesterday my 3 year old had a meltdown & threw her water bottle at our cat. After she calmed down I said, “I don’t think it was very kind to throw your bottle at the cat. Maybe you should apologize.” So she said sorry to the water bottle
Even if you’re really tired, never try to hold your eyes open using toothpicks. DAMN YOU 1970’S CARTOONS AND ALL OF YOUR FALLACIES!
Parenthood is basically just pretending to be angry when you aren’t and pretending not to be angry when you are.
[spider walking into spinning class] What’s up with the bikes?
If you get a new job before you quit your old one, it’s considered responsible.
But if you do that with your gf, it’s called “cheating.”