My husband & I have a secret signal we use when it’s time to leave a party. I pull an air horn out of my purse and blast it.
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life is like a box of chocolates: it kills dogs
Me on all social media accounts after taking one good picture
The 11th commandment was, “Talk shit, get hit” but God totally didn’t have enough room on those stone things, so, like, yeah.
Welcome to marriage. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can be used against you in a court of in-laws
WIFE: you didn’t use my shampoo again did you?
ME: *shakes my head no but my lustrous hair gives me away*
[ultrasound]
DOCTOR: oh my god!
HER: what’s wrong?
DOCTOR: Ok don’t panic but it looks as though you swallowed a baby
Se7en, but instead of deadly sins, the murders are based on different Smurfs.
The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.
Been coming here every day for six years and I’m starting to lose hope.
Remember: no matter what anyone else thinks of you, it’s how you delude yourself that matters.
Me: I’ve brought a urine sample
Doctor: I didn’t ask for a urine sample
Me: There was a lot of traffic
Hello I am Tightbeard McShoulderchest and my favourite workout is standing in everyone’s way in front of the gym equipment checking my phone
one time my dad walked in on me smoking an E cig and made me eat a whole pack of batteries
[I dont get invited to a party]
me: shit
[I get invited to a party]
me: Shit.
wife: don’t eat that, u know it won’t agree with u
me: yes it will
taco: no I won’t
I just put the crockpot on the counter.
Which is basically the Bat Signal for ✨starting tomorrow we’ll be eating the same thing for the next three days✨
My wife insists on buying our daughter the expensive, growth hormone free milk. So there goes any chance she’ll ever have of being an X-Men.
My 4-year-old, while sharing a space with other people, has been exclaiming with a sigh that he’s ALL ALONE, and I keep thinking, “Damn, kids these days are getting to work early on their existential crises.”
*alien tries to burst through chest
*years of fried foods have made my stomach walls unbreakableMe: HAHA!
Alien: Laugh it up, now I have to go out the other way
Me:
4-year-old: *looks at our pig* Which pig is she?
Me: What do you mean?
4: Is her house made of bricks or sticks?
“I wonder what’s on tv right now,” he thought 2002ishly.
I could tell by the way she was pouring gasoline on a pile of my clothes, that the relationship had hit some turbulence.
me as a parent
I want to give away free lab coats on the streets and turn our city’s homeless problem into its crazy doctor problem
Indiana Jones: why does it have to be snakes
Ron Weasley: why does it have to be spiders
me: why does it have to be family get-togethers
god: ..and this part is your crust
earth: i’m a pizza 🙂
god: no that’s-
earth: everybody loves pizza 😀
god: but
earth: i’ll be treated so good forever and ever :’)
god: [deep breath in] here’s the thing
Thank god my brother’s getting his PhD, I was running out of ways to disappoint my parents.
At a business meeting:
“How about SuperCupid?”
“No, expectations will be too high”
“GreatCupid?”
“Lower”
“Uhhh, OKCupid?”
“Brilliant”
My sleep apnea was diagnosed at a staff meeting.
[using Apple Pay]
Cashier: Tilt your phone
Me: *tilts*
Cashier: Closer
Me: Ok
Cashier: Stand on one leg
Me: Huh?
Cashier: Sing Apple Bottom Jeans
Me: What?
Cashier: Eat this apple