@Daisyldoo

My husband is a dentist now! At least he acts like one asking me questions while I’m very obviously brushing my teeth.

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@jonnysun

grandpa: ur father changed after the war
me: somtimes emojis i never use appear in my frequently used page and i dont kno how they got there

@dlockw21

*First Date

Her: Why are we at Home Depot?

Me: I wanted to see what it’s like to pick out bathroom tile with you. See if this is worth it.

@joeldanger

My grandparents worked hard to make sure their kids had everything and I’m working hard and not having kids to make sure I keep everything.

@PhuckinCody

LAWYER: Would you like to press charges?

CHARGES: Please don’t touch me.

@SladeWentworth

Her: My computer is running so slow!

Me: Really? How many browser tabs do you have open?

Her:

Me: Is it less than 500?

Her: Never mind.

@GDUB18T

I feel I’ve done my best to tolerate lactose long enough.

@TheCatWhisprer

I love October because it signals the change from eating tacos outside season to eating tacos inside season.