My husband is a dentist now! At least he acts like one asking me questions while I’m very obviously brushing my teeth.

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grandpa: ur father changed after the war
me: somtimes emojis i never use appear in my frequently used page and i dont kno how they got there


*First Date

Her: Why are we at Home Depot?

Me: I wanted to see what it’s like to pick out bathroom tile with you. See if this is worth it.


My grandparents worked hard to make sure their kids had everything and I’m working hard and not having kids to make sure I keep everything.


LAWYER: Would you like to press charges?

CHARGES: Please don’t touch me.


Her: My computer is running so slow!

Me: Really? How many browser tabs do you have open?


Me: Is it less than 500?

Her: Never mind.


I feel I’ve done my best to tolerate lactose long enough.


I love October because it signals the change from eating tacos outside season to eating tacos inside season.