My husband is a dentist now! At least he acts like one asking me questions while I’m very obviously brushing my teeth.
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A person’s true character is revealed when the shrimp tray comes out at a party.
Made the mistake of ordering chlorine for the pool and researching Kenya so I’m tweeting this from what appears to be a windowed black van.
Spring chickens aren’t as comfy as memory foam chickens.
*Tim Burton slams hands on table*
WTF DO U MEAN THERE ARE OTHER ACTORS BESIDES JOHNNY DEPP & MY WIFE
*turns to Depp*
HOW LONG HAVE U KNOWN
Yes officer, the person who robbed me was a woman 25-30, at least 5’9, a brunette and definitely single. Can you arrange a line up please
Turn on noise canceling on your AirPods if you want to experience what it’s like to think a killer has broken into your home anytime anyone in your family approaches you from behind.
*crashes your wedding
Why aren’t you answering my DM?!
I asked my kid if he had a good day at kindergarten and he said it was a really good day and his friend fell off a stool. I don’t know if these two facts are related.
“self-driving cars will have to answer split-second ethical decisions, instantly calculating the worth of the lives of the people around them. can AI solve the trolley problem?”
self-driving cars in reality: i swerved onto the sidewalk because i thought the moon was a stop sign
If there’s one thing that makes me want to throw up, it’s a dartboard on the ceiling.
Her: Stop undressing me with your looks.
Me: Sorry! There, I just redressed you.
Her: You idiot. I wasn’t wearing this!
*demon enters my body
*20 minutes later, demon calls an exorcist
♫ Why do birds suddenly appear, every time you are near? Just like me, they long to be… ♫
Wait, hang on…my bad, those are vultures.
[The Gorge in the Pride lands]
Water buffalo 1: *tramples over Mufasa* Didn’t we go to that guy’s baby shower?
Water buffalo 2: *shrugs*
*puts one hand on hip, sips tea, stares out of the window at the rain*
“This is just ridiculous”
Why do we never see “Side effects may include spontaneous happiness, explosive giggling, uncontrollable hugging, and diarrhea”?
The good news is it wasn’t a bug. The bad news is I beat the crap out of a black bean on the floor with my shoe.
3: [eating] I want Pirates of the Caribbean
me: yeah, well people in hell want ice water
3: [smiling] I already got ice water
Calling peoples opinions of me “fan theories “
[pretend restaurant]
4-year-old: what do you want ?
me: pizza
4: we don’t have pizza
me: what do you have?
4: nothing
me: I’ll have nothing
4: we don’t have that
me: *throws table* this is bullshit!
Husband said, “If you were really THAT funny you wouldn’t have to always say COME ON, THAT WAS FUNNY.”
So now I have a tombstone to select
All I’m saying is, there are too many songs about love and not enough songs about evenly layered nachos.
I’d rather get killed by the Blair Witch on the first night than have to camp another night.
[Sexting]
“So, what are you wearing?”
A nice blouse and a light sweater. Sensible shoes.
geologists have had it too easy for too long. discover a new rock or i will riot
I don’t remember my driver’s ed teacher saying anything about merging while a child is playing a recorder in the back seat.
Who called it a “period tracker” and not a flow chart?
Take this time to do something creative!
– learn to paint
– play some songs
– write that book
– no wait your book is too similar to the book I’m trying to write
– stop you’re a faster writer than me!
– universal is already inquiring about movie righys?!?
– it’s a trilogy?!?!?!
Me (standing in front of mirror): bloody mary, bloody mary, bloody mary
Cop on other side: what is he doing
Waking up would be much easier if I didn’t have to do it so many days in a row.