My husband is a mumbler, but that doesn’t stop him from telling me I’m beautiful… I’m pretty sure that’s what he’s saying anyway.
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My medical bracelet just says “Call 911” because people are idiots
Mom holding crying baby: He just needs to be changed.
Me: Yeah hopefully into a puppy or something quieter.
A very busty woman whispers to me “I want you to tell me if these look real” my eyes widen, then she takes out pictures of the moon landing
{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.HER: He’s so kind.
ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.
My password is ELEPHANT. It may not be the strongest but I never forget.
*drops cheese*
You: Five second rule!
Pet owners: lol
The look of dismay on my dog’s face tells me nothing is as unfair to dogs as when they’re chasing a bird and the bird flies off.
Before you harm any of your co-workers please consider the potential negative impact of prison on your Twitter time.
when serial killers go for a run do they take the psycho path
My grandfather tried to warn them about the Titanic. He screamed and shouted about the iceberg and how the ship was going to sink, but all they did was throw him out of the theater.
the average person eats three spiders a year, but as you’re about to find out, it takes an entire year for three spiders to eat a person
Han: Leave us alone, you fat slug!
Jabba: *speaks Huttese*
C-3PO: The mighty Jabbs says your words are hurtful. He has a thyroid problem.
Just turned a corner and bumped into a woman with drawn-on eyebrows.
I’m not sure which of us was more surprised.
[Bedroom at midnight]
*scary noises*
Husband: is… is someone in here?
*demonic sounds from the closet*
Husband: honey, are you trying on those jeans again? I told you they don’t fit anymore
*sad demonic noises*
Everybody is tweeting “OMG I CANT BELIEVE ITS MARCH”, I’m like tf’ you you think came after February ? February Jr.?
I was always told that women can’t have it all but I just ate two everything babies.
I start opening a delivered package before I even get back inside and my wife can let her packages sit unopened on the table for a week. Which one needs therapy?
I ordered my latte wrong at that new gypsy coffee place and now my shadow is a horse shadow
I’m Irish which is kinda like being Sith, if I’m mad you can feel my hatred from anywhere in the galaxy
Іf you can’t afford therapy try garlic bread.
Gonna show my mom this article when she tries to wake me up early every day this week
I ducked into a crowd of guys bro hugging as they left the bar, they didn’t notice the stranger in their midst and I’m feeling so loved rn.
“Cake by the Ocean” probably has some alternate meaning but I’m too old to really care so I like to think it’s about a nice, young fellow eating birthday cake on the beach.
keep your friends close but your smartphone closer
Customer is always right
“I traded my carpet in for bare floors” –coworker. “Oh, me too. I love the shaved look.”, said me. Apparently, she really meant carpet.
Whales go days, sometimes weeks at a time without giving anyone their opinion.
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer had a very shiny nose. Other symptoms of his alcoholism included violent rampages and chronic nausea.
[showing a picture of a very healthy person to my doctor] I was thinking something a bit like this
There should be an advanced version of Blue’s Clues with more complicated clues and darker storylines.