My husband is always teaching me new things. Like today I learned you can get a lot of exercising while cooking dinner if the smoke alarm keeps going off.
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That worked out so much differently in my head.
– an autobiography
Wife: please don’t
I look her in the eyes, kiss her delicately and shake my head
Me: somethings are worth fighting for
I slowly stand, catch my breath for a few seconds and start walking towards the buffet bar for the 10th time
Got kicked out of my motorcycle gang again for trying to sell essential oils
*makes eye contact*
‘You gonna eat that wing?’
Mediocrites was not the greatest hero from Greek mythology, but nor was he the worst
Guy just walking down the street minding his own business when bodega gato runs out and jumps up on his walker. They just standing / sitting at this impasse for like five full min now…
A shark could swim faster than me, but I could probably run faster than a shark. So in a triathlon, it would all come down to who is the better cyclist.
I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta when cooking, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight…I got extra.
Florist: “Would you like your flowers wrapped?”
Me: “Nope, they’re going right into the shredder before I give them to my sister-in-law.”
ME: Doc, it hurts, did anything break
DOCTOR: Your hip
ME: Well, yeah, Daddy-O, but did anything break
Like a good neighbor
plow my driveway, not my wife
There are very few things more embarrassing than finding out you’ve been doing something the wrong way your entire life.
If I was a magician I’d ask someone in the audience for a $20 bill and then just run away. You could prob make like $40 doing that.
We like the way Dwight thinks
Finally passed GO. That’s the last time I eat a Monopoly board.
“Daddy, how are babies made?”
“Well son, when a man and a woman have too much to drink..”
“Daddy, what happens when we die?”
“You get married and have kids”
Why is it called a “network of computers streaming Disney movies to cows” and not “Moo-LAN”
So how good are these drugs?
*Dealer forcefully pulls me close*
“Ever just grab the right amount of hangers?”
Wow. That’s good
“ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME OR NOT?”
“What are my choices again?”
*prospective pet owner interview
Dog (suspicious): Uh huh. And what exactly do you want from me in exchange for this “food” and “shelter”?
*calls child protective services*
PROTECTIVE SERVICES: Why would you name me this, mom?
MY BULLY (age 9): Here he comes, the guy with the worst comebacks on the planet.
ME: Shut it Trevor. Your dad should be the next Batman.
If Ross Geller and George Costanza were in the same room with Sheldon Cooper, Michael Scott, and Kimmy Gibbler, they still wouldn’t be as annoying as you.
Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:
It’s not officially bedtime until you drop your phone on your face.
Like my grandma always says… put more booze in the mashed potatoes
[watching the Lord of the Rings]
Me: who do you think is more powerful Gandalf or Sauron?
Wife: Sauron’s Wife.
Me: but he’s not married lol.
Wife: then why does he spend 3 movies frantically searching for his lost ring?
Wife: he’s definitely scared to tell his wife.
My gym is opening up again, so now I have to go back to not going because I’m lazy.