My husband is BBQing outside in the dark, in the snow, wearing a headlamp.
Because Canadian.
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“Hey pregnant, I’m dad”
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“Oh god wait.”
If I’m guilty of anything it’s only of loving too much, insider trading, public indecency, treason, arson, jaywalking, piracy & cannibalism.
“Good day, sir. I’d heard you’d recently come into possession of some bread. I see that I was not misinformed. As it so happens, I too enjoy baked goods. Might you be persuaded to part with a small percentage? I would of course offer fair compensation at the current market rate.”
Don’t be rude, if the person in front of you in the Starbucks line isn’t concentrating, sweep the leg, step over them and keep the line moving
Everyone’s all worried about World War III. Worry about the important shit. Batman’s fighting Superman in 2016.
“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself
My CW just barked.
Ok, it may have been a burp, but I’d like him a lot more if he were turning into a dog, so I think he barked.
ME: I like nerdy girls.
HER: Did you know vultures have smooth heads for easier penetration to the entrails of a carcass?
ME: Yes. Exactly like that.
You can’t make this shit up 😩
(photo not mine, nor is the pooh)
You: “Call me crazy but..”
Me: “Okay, you’re crazy.
Wow-I’m really good at this!”
Mum: get me a plate
Me: which plate?
Mum: any plate, doesn’t matter
*brings plate*
Mum: no not that one
Guy about to write “12 days of christmas:” help i need last minute gifts!
bird keeper: ok hear me out.
If I was a Spice Girl I would be Mild to Medium Spice
Genie: Alright, you know the drill, 3 rules: no wishing for death, no falling in love, no bringing anyone back from the dead
Me: I wish my socks were tongues 🙂
Genie:
Genie: There are 4 rules
Called this psychic hotline today but a woman answered the phone saying “how can I help you?” So I hung up and tried another one.
Boy ant: Feel like a swim?
Girl ant: Can’t, I’m not boy ant.
Before kids: “I will make everything from scratch. We’ll be so healthy.”
After kids: “Someone bring me my binder of takeout menus.”
*i get home riding a pig*
Wife: Hey honey, how was the “Hog Riders” meeting?
Me: *sighs* Pointless…this one was for motorcycles too.
I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 5,000 signatures.
“Son you’re just not cut out to be a mime.”
“Is it something I said?”
“Yes.”
I just used one of those plastic grocery dividers to let my wife know exactly where the middle of the bed is.
Of course I can cook, what kind of cereal would you like
A friend took a picture of me that made me look younger and thinner, so she’s my wife now.
My microwave broke. So, we’re finding innovative alternatives. Did y’all know the surface on top of the oven heats up, too? Honest to God.
Customer: Hey I ordered a dozen bagels and you gave me thirteen.
Very Stubborn Baker: No that was on purpose.
I bet it’ll be frustrating when we get abducted by aliens and forced into their weird zoo to do human things. An alien kid will throw food at us and shout, “Do a war crime!” Listen, buddy, that’s not how it works.
Can we take a moment to celebrate the little ride we get in the pneumatic chair at the hair salon or barber when they pump it up or down
Someone praising you is also someone being judgmental. The difference is that you like the verdict this time.
agent: *getting tortured* do your worst
villain: why would i do that
agent: it’s just… i was trying to sound tough
villain: i’m always doing my best
agent: i know. you’re doing great
villain: thanks