My husband is blaming the cat for eating all the cookies and putting the empty package back in the cabinet. Ffs🙀
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Shout out to all the parents who volunteered to take care of the class snake over the weekend — last March.
Probably one of the hardest things for Pinocchio to pull off was complimenting his friend’s experimental theater piece.
Hey, Facebook. Dead people can’t read your RIP shoutouts, because death.
If you love someone, let them go. If they come back with snacks, it was always meant to be 🖤
I know it’s impossible to keep kids from screaming when they play outside but I wish there was some way to teach them the difference between “WE ARE HAVING A FUN GAME!” Screaming and “WE ARE BEING BRUTALLY MURDERED!” Screaming
These pictures of your baby will be adorable. Just stick her in this giant pot with the vegetables. I’ll just add some stock for realism. She’s going to be delicious. Look, she will look delicious.
Arachnophobia is stupid I mean why are we all terrified of a bug that knits all day?
My parents and teachers said I could be anything I wanted but I’m 28 now and I’m still not a hot Asian girl named Bang Bang 🙁
Have you ever stopped & thought about how there are hundreds of millions of really nice suits just buried underground?
“What’s up?” asked the guy with literally no sense of direction.
Establish dominance with your psychiatrist by taking notes on his note taking.
me: I’m broke
therapist: wait, do you mean emotionally or you can’t pay me?
me: emotionally
therapist: *sigh of relief* ok thank god
Who called it your monthly period and not egg drop soup?
Feeling a little guilty about looking for a new laptop on my laptop.
me: AHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: in these trying times
me: AHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: you can count on toyota
me: AHHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: welcome, to how to use a fire extinguisher
WIFE: You overreact to everything!
ME: [phones police]
Pepsi and Coke can’t even be in the same restaurant together and society wants us all to get along. Pffftt.
In my late forties, I now find myself with gray hair, a delightful assortment of aches and pains, and surprisingly strong opinions on decorative throw pillows.
i missed therapy because i was up until 4am making this
IT: You deleted the OS?
Me: I think so.
IT: It didn’t warn you?
Me: Yeah, but it only kinda warned me. What’s with the inquisition bro?
[mocking jay part 2]
jay: come on guys please stop
When my friend and I were children, gym class would have us run around the neighborhood. This run would pass my house. We sneak through the back alley into my house and watch TV for 20 minutes and then my dad will drive us back to school. The perfect crime
Look, I respect the skill. But no.
townsfolk: you should come to the festival
me: is this a normal “corny” festival or a “human sacrifice to ensure good harvest” festival?
townsfolk: which will entice you to be there?
me: oh i’m going regardless
My 5yo woke up early this morning and was playing very quietly because he didn’t want to wake grandpa. I’d never seen anything like it! Apparently all my son needed to play quietly was an adult in the house that he respected.
I’m a girl that your mother could love. From a distance. Maybe you just show her a picture, and make a lot of shit up.
ME: how can i prepare for my date
FRIEND: get her some flowers. roses, orchids
ME: definitely roses, we’re not ready for kids yet
I am 5’3. I have a date this week with a man who is 6’4. How many ibuprofen will I need for my neck from having my head permanently tilted up if this goes anywhere?
“I wouldn’t touch you with a thirty nine and a half foot pole”
-Families making Christmas plans in 2020