My husband is extra efficient.
He leaves cabinets open for next time.
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Only take relationship advice from people who have really healthy relationships. So, no one
Elliott didn’t care about E.T. He just wanted a flying bike.
Him: the risk of getting caught, having sex in a public place is HOT!
Her: ok….. you pick the place
Him: Over there in those dense trees where we won’t get caught
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Coffee costs less
Than a dinner for two
Nah, you don’t give me anxiety. not like when someone hands me money and the bills are facing different directions
The tapeworm was replaced by the CD-worm and then eventually by the mp3-worm.
Don’t ask me how evolution works!
I was going to clean my house but decided to stop inviting people over instead
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone if you want babies throwing rocks everywhere. Dangerous.
Them: I know you’re shy but I can’t carry the conversation forever.
Me: Oh I’m not shy. I am just hoping you will give up soon.
When your girlfriend is PMS’ing, cheer her up by showing her that “totally weird” text you got from your ex last night.
goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles
when i say im saving myself for marriage what i mean is you won’t know how annoying i am until it’s too late
Scientists named an aurora STEVE and y’all just let it happen.
A Toyota Prius tried to race me at a stop sign. I totally had it for the first 100ft, but I can only walk so fast
I washed my antibiotic pills down with a probiotic shake and now I’m back to square one.
My kids came over for their weekly visit and I said to them: “Life is short so never spend time doing anything you don’t want to do.” They said: “Cool! Bye.”
[300 consecutive hours sitting at the same table]
waiter: [out of breath] and those are our local craft brews
The Cheesecake Factory is finally coming to Canada!
…now I can stop being so nice to the Americans.
Doctor: Did you take those pills I gave you last month?
Me: The package said “Take on an empty stomach” so, not yet.
one pride i got into an uber wearing a pride flag as a dress & the driver immediately put on christian radio. i started singing along bc i knew the song from childhood & ive never seen a more confused man in my life
Mob boss: Feed him to the fishes
[Neil deGrasse Tyson bursts in out of breath]
Neil: Actually these fish feed off Copepod and plankton
Mob boss: Him too
a house without a chimney should be called a nouse
I accidentally stepped on my cat’s tail the other day. You could cut the levels of tension, hurt and mistrust with a knife. I feared for my life. Feline retaliation was nigh. That night she threw up on my bed. Balance was once again achieved.
I’ve disinfected my dungeon, who’s up for some fun?
No weirdos.
Saying “I’m having a heavy period day”
– boring
– depressingSaying “bro my flow is crazy”
– dope
– could be a rapper
Fair warning. If you schedule your child’s birthday party before 11am, they will receive a book about where babies come from.
The world is your Oyster.
So raw, rubbery and resembling a booger?
[On date]
Her – “so your profile said you like classical music? I love Mozart & Bach, how about you?”
Me – “Jurassic Park theme”
Dogs Barking at Night Translated
Dog 1: Hey! I’m a dog!
Dog 2: No way! I, too, am a dog!
Dog 3: Ok, you guys aren’t going to believe this…