My husband is going out of town for a week and I have some hot plans to get intimate with my *lover
*air fryer
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me: you can’t take all that candy to school
son: then what do I do with it?
me: you leave it here
son: with you?
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
Batman is awfully lazy when it comes to naming all of his shit.
[changes out of pajama pants with pockets to pajama pants without pockets]
Bedtime.
Sorry for shouting “go go gadget personality” while you were speaking. Please, continue.
i think only bears should have the right to bear arms
Buying little gold star stickers so when people I’m speaking with say things I like I’ll stick one on their forehead.
I feel bad for tailgating this minivan so closely but once I started watching Kung Fu Panda on his back seat TV I had to see it through.
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Omg: dad, where did our names come from?
Karen: the algorithm, son
Meatsheets: dad, we already know there’s no algorithm
Karen: *soft blocks Meatsheets*
If a bank robber yelled at me to get down on the ground and then my apple watch told me to stand I’d be legit conflicted for a second
Time is precious, waste it wisely.
me to a cat or dog: and are you the best baby? the fluffiest? are you the babiest baby of them all? do you get stopped every day and asked about how it feels to be a baby?
me to a real, human baby: good afternoon. i appreciate your small shoes.
Day 3 of home schooling, just had a parent teacher conference with my wife and there was a lot of blaming.
Don’t hate the PLAYA… hate the Spanish word for beach.
King’s men: sorry your highness…we couldn’t put Humpty Dumpty back together again
King (drunk af): let the horses try
I sometimes double click on a trojan horse to see if there are soldiers hiding inside.
Me: the cords are tangled.
Brain: pull at them.
Me: shouldn’t I just untangle them?
Brain: pull at them violently.
[interview]
So what’s a personal strength?
“Honesty.”
And a failing?
“I murder people who don’t hire me.”
The only reason to engage with a neighbor is if either of you is on fire.
My wife and I were happy for 24 years. Then we met.
“You haven’t changed since college” isn’t necessarily a compliment, it could mean that you looked 40 when you were 20. Have a great day!
Heard my dog talking to a chipmunk out on the deck, and I’m positive I overheard “nothing much, just getting some air, the whole place smells like wet human”
I sneezed seven times in a row and my cat is acting all freaked out instead of just asking if I’m ok
It’s awkward when I have to pull someone aside and point out that my fly is open.
why just edible underwear? why not an entire edible wardrobe? i wanna eat a parka off my wife before sex
told my husband I was going to start eating healthy again and he went and bought girl scout cookies like someone who doesn’t value his life
GUY: looks like your truck could use some work
ME [patting it]: indeed
GUY [looking at a clipboard] alrighty, does it have any clerical skills?
Gravy boats are the opposite of boats
Friend: Dow dropped 45 points yesterday.
Me: I don’t follow basketball.