My husband is lecturing me on cyber security which is hilarious coming from someone who has imslimshady1234 as his password.
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My spouse wonders why I have a hard time visiting his parents for the whole weekend but it probably has a lot to do with the fact that I have to put a bra on before coffee
IF YOURE UNDER 18 DO NOT READ THIS
fellow grown folks. isn’t oatmeal delicious
6: Can I have a baby sister?
Me *panicking*: Uh, well, the problem is that you can’t choose so the baby might be a boy.
6: Then can I have a turtle?
*yawns, while roaring like a dinosaur*
*everyone in the church looks at me*
*waves with T-rex arms*
There’s nothing sexier than being with someone who knows exactly what they want, unless what they want is to smother you in your sleep.
Right before you die, maybe yell out something funny, like “hi God- wait a minute, YOU’RE NOT GOD”
Pilot: Hi folks, I thought it’d be nice to speak to you out here instead of over the intercom. Unrelated, is anyone on board a locksmith?
There’s a big crane across the street from my work and I want it to reach over the street to us and deliver snacks at our front door
stop asking if your body is ready for the beach and start asking if the beach is ready for your body
Since I moved into my house, my parents do this thing where they come over so my dad can work on a project but he always forgets a tool he needs so they just drink my beer instead.
I don’t go to Starbucks very often. It’s intimidating. I never know how to order. Last time I ended up with a cup of hot dog water.
‘Pizza toppings. Go.’
-Me, speed dating.
God: But if you use your sting you will die.
Bee: That will teach us not to abuse our power. How did the wasps take that news?
God: Err…
God *up on a chair, shrieking*: GET IT GET IT GET IT
Mrs God: You know they’re more afraid of you than you are of them *gently sweeps man outside*
Date: so where do you see yourself in ten years?
Me: (remembering women like commitment) living happily with a wife (remembering women like mystery) whose murder remains unsolved
Smoking is tricky. it gets me out of bed, it gets me outside. It gets me talking to the boys. It lets me look a little cooler than i should. It satisfies my oral fixation and my desire to fidget. It gives me an excuse to get a little snack at the store. But it’s french,
I’m the master at playing ‘The floor is lava’
*Lies on the couch*
When they announce
“all youths stay behind after church. Your Help is needed around the church premises”Me:
Garbage disposals are great for redesigning silverware.
This is a bad sign
Welcome to your 40s: you can do yard work or you can walk tomorrow, your choice.
Wife: “Was that lightning?!” Me: “No, they’re taking pictures for Google earth…”
Shark tooth necklaces are the perfect accessory if you want to look tough but also tell the world, “i’ve been to a gift shop.”
me the second I feel that first breeze of autumn
*Stands in wood & sets self on fire*
“OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING?”
I want to look hot on tinder.
[interview]
THEM: what would you say if i gave you money from the register and told you to keep it?
ME: thank you.
The optometrist sees the one eyed man’s glasses as half-full. The pessometrist sees them as half-empty.
A couple of weeks ago we had an icebreaker during my graduate seminar and the question was “What is your irrational fear?” My answer was “hammerhead sharks”. And today in class I walked in and saw this:
4-year-old from next door got a whistle for his birthday and I got 1 phone call.
Me: Haha I just never know what to do with my hands while getting my picture taken.
Cop taking my mugshot: Just hold still.