My husband is mad at my broken toe for not healing faster because he has to take over homeschooling and it’s “absolutely draining”. He’s been at it for 32 minutes.
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CASHIER: what, no tip?
ME: here’s a tip: always wear a seat belt
CASHIER: no, i meant money
ME: oh sorry. invest in a 401(k)
Pushed together 3 piles of my wife’s clothes on the floor to vacuum and boy was that a mistake.
Husband: Don’t tell me they forgot my fries again! How does that keep happening?
Me (swallowing quickly ): Weird, right?
interviewer: why do you want to drive a bus
me: the big windshield wipers
When your teen is already bigger than you are…
People use the term lab rat pejoratively even though there is probably no finer life than one dedicated to solving puzzles and eating cheeses.
me: ok so imagine if you were a horse—
my sister: bold of you to assume i’m not, but continue
My internet has been out for 24 hours and now my kids are moving out.
That was easy.
Pizza places should give away free pizza car air-freshners. Within 5seconds of sitting in your car, you WILL crave pizza.
[about to have sex]
me: fasten your seatbelt
her: oooh you’re good huh
me: no this is a race car bed
If my funeral is open casket my only request is that I have cucumber slices over my eyes.
I told my DAD to embrace his mistakes. he cried. then he hugged My brother & me.
I hate when you let your hostages outside to play on the trampoline, and then they just sit there and don’t even jump or have fun.
Wife – You ate all of the Reeses eggs?
Me – You left them out in the open on the top shelf under the shirts in the back of the closet.
Husband: *gives me two pancakes*
Me: Hey! These paper plates say they hold up to 2 lbs of food.
Me: Keep stacking, buddy.
Every time you block report some porn bot for spam, I lose another follower.
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
Neutrons are the Switzerland of subatomic particles.
After 8 years of research and an obscene amount of funding, we have determined that bat shit is no crazier than any other shit
daughter: there’s a monster under my bed
me: why do you think that?
daughter: because when i stick my foot out of the cover the monster grabs it
me: [to son] have you been hiding under your sister’s bed?
son: *sighs* yes
me: did you see a monster under there
Me: What do you need to watch out for while trick-or-treating?
Kids: Wine moms
OH. COME. ON.
me: a carrot is a crop
me: so *technically* Carrot Top is a crop top
former friend: i suppose
My 5-year-old refused to eat her dinner because Netflix was running slow.
At least she picked a worthy cause for her hunger strike.
movies gotta warn me if they’re a part 1, before i’m in the theater. I just got jump scared by “to be continued” screens twice in one week (Fast X and Spiderverse).
i’m a 37 year old man and and i need emotional closure in my movies, i don’t have time to be cliffhanged
Dating is just wondering why some people are single and figuring it out.
Me, to the fellas: Load up. We getting magical tonight.
I can almost always tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs!
doctor it hurts when i do this *checks bank account*
I want to live in a clean house but the whole living in it is really getting in the way.