Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight, come on over.

whenever god closes a door he opens a window because he’s taking a pretty nasty shit in there.

dutch is not a serious language

No one said your ‘cheat day’ had to be an Earth day. I use Mercury, it has a 1,408 hr day

Admin smashed it 😂

My biggest regret to date is probably never telling Kary C, Kerri B, Cari R and Kerry L from 4th grade that their names were spelled wrong..

Blood was spilled, curses were uttered, tears were shed, muscles were sprained and dowlings were thrown away, but an IKEA shelf was born.

When I call out the wrong name during sex, I just segue into singing Mambo No. 5.

Me: So my husband —
First grader: You have a husband?
Me: I do, the whole time you’ve known me.
First grader: Oh. I always thought you were feral.
Me: Er, do you mean ‘single’?
First grader: Whatever the word is that you use for stray cats.

🙀

*Hello this is your pilot speaking, we still have about 9 hours in the air so let me entertain you folks reading you some of my tweets*

Tell the guy at the first drive-thru window that you want the guy at the second window to throw your food into the car without you stopping.

I walked into a gas station & a woman handed me a free slice of pizza

Either Iowa is the nicest state in America or I’ve just been poisoned

is it thunder or is someone rolling out their garbage cans to the curb

Math is like my parenting. I do it when I have to, but I’m not great at it.

CONVERSATION I JUST HAD:

ME: Two Thin Mints please

GIRL SCOUT: That’ll be $10. Or you can get four boxes for $20!

ME (gentle): Um, that’s not a savings

GIRL SCOUT (NOT gentle): NO ONE SAID IT WAS

…

ME: Four boxes would be great.

I was getting chased by a man yelling “STOP, POLICE!” & I yelled “YES YES STOP POLICE! THEY’RE OUT OF CONTROL!” But he kept chasing me

Me: If I drink 4 bottles of wine in 6 days, then am I an alcoholic?

7yo: This doesn’t feel like a second grade math question.

Two roads diverged in a wood, and I…
I was looking down at my phone and walked directly into a tree,
And that has made all the difference.

Once your kid learns about the planet Uranus, you can bet uranus you’ll be hearing uranus puns for months.

I wanna see a video where professional dancers break out into nursing.

Creator of Etch A Sketch:

We’ll show people drawing murals in the commercial but in reality most people will only be able to draw stairs.

I just donated all my pants with buttons because I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life

If you told Alexander Hamilton that the online lottery to see his rap musical was unavailable due to server overload, he’d be like, “WITCH!”

if the groundhog comes out without a mask its 6 more months of quarantine

*CAN’T OPEN THE PICKLE JAR*
SHERLOCK: (suspiciously) Moriarty…

I feel bad when a fly gets into my house. I know that little guy is starving cause I ate and left no crumbs

Husband is watching a Hunger Games movie marathon with the kids.

Little does he know that while he’s at work all day, I LIVE the Hunger Games with these people. And it’s definitely a marathon.

Sometimes I try to reason with people, but invariably they start talking again.

My dog is always using my legs as a pillow, but the one time I lay down on him he acts like I should get out of his kennel.

Boss: Can you redact the total before sending the statement?
Me: Sure. Right after I look up the word redact.