My husband is out of surgery and in recovery. What was the first thing my drug induced sweetheart said to me? That he loved me? That I was beautiful? That he missed me?
Nope.
Mashed potatoes. That’s what he said. Mashed potatoes. Get me some mashed potatoes.
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My kid came home from his field trip covered in paint, missing one sock, and carrying two pumpkins and had the nerve to say his field trip was “fine”.
Not to brag but I gave someone directions and he made it.
Cop1:did u hear about the kidnapping?
Cop2: should we go help?
Cop1: No it’s ok he woke up.
This fall on CBS
“Good Cop, Dad Cop”
Graduating from law school and immediately googling what can you do with a law degree
My dad could kick ur dads ass!
Um have u seen my dad
Hes a big guy huh?
No really have u seen him? He left when I was 9 & never came back
8 year old touching under her eye: Mom, what is it called when your eyes look tired?
Me: It’s “you have bags under your eyes” but you don’t have any, baby.
8 year old: I know, but you do.
My theory is that planet of the apes wasn’t really about apes but people who spent a long time in lockdown without access to a hairdresser
Sorry we’re late, my kid thought he couldn’t go to school with hiccups
Tyrannosaurus Clark Kent, unable to do shit because he can’t remove his glasses
Women! Can’t live with ’em, can’t sell ’em or Liam Neeson will find you and kill you.
Vince Vaughn supports the right to carry guns in public. So if you ever wander into 1 of his movies, you can just shoot yourself.
You’re a cunt. Maybe that’s why you’re alone.
For me, it’s not a superfood unless it has a tragic backstory.
[running a concession stand] pay me $5 and i’ll admit you were right
My 5yo believed the classmate who said that a snake struck him in the mouth and knocked out his two front teeth, but she won’t believe me when I tell her that she MIGHT like what I’ve made for dinner.
*Opens a window and the wind blows 42 corndogs from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
People be like “do what makes you happy” and then complain when I’m drunk again
You think you have problems, I used a toothpick to get a toothpick out of my teeth this morning.
It’s March tomorrow. February lasted 17 seconds. Christmas soon. Knew I shouldn’t have put the tree away.
I worry about people who write “taken” in their bios.
Where did they go?
Who took them?
Why aren’t we helping to find them?
called in thicc to work this morning
her: what’s up
me: i’m just driving
her: cool where
me: in the front seat
her: no i mean what location
me: driver’s side
Everyone talks about selling excess solar to the electric company to pay for their solar panels, but nobody talks about selling excess flatulence to the gas company to pay for their Brussels Sprouts.
The families in Eggo commercials live in nice houses and appear wealthy. Why are they always fighting over one shitty frozen waffle?
So apparently not every chubby guy with a mustache is named Mario. My bad, dad.
I’m perfectly fine with kissing frogs to find a prince…But I draw the line at kissing snakes.
I once told my mom that being the youngest child wasn’t so great because I got the least amount of time with her before she dies.
Just to show that my dark side comes from a loving place.
[cop taps on my fogged up car window on make-out hill]
ME: *alone holding a huge steamy bucket of fried chicken* what’s the problem officer
Mark Ruffalo is the name you could most likely teach a dog to say.