@sara_ashlynn

My husband is out w/friends & I’m at home w/the kids. I’m going to sprinkle Legos under the covers on his side of the bed.

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@LMFaye

My cats always look at me like I should have planned something for us to do.

@Maxine12333

You can’t go by good looks as not everything is as it seems. Remember The Trojan Horse, Snow White’s apple and your ex.

@Bexdora

My Mother worries about me living in London sometimes.
I tell her it’s not London she has to worry about.
I just injured myself on a potato.

@TheAlexNevil

I’m teaching 7 it’s ok for a man to cry, & it’s also ok for a man to jump on a table, scream and throw coins at a spider.

@Matt_The_1st

Cop: you know why I pulled you over?

Me: You thought I was black?

Cop: Haha. Yep. You’re free to go sir

@thepatrickwalsh

“Be there in 5,” I text, though I am 30 minutes away, completely nude, and engaged in a fist fight with a neighbor.

@mirandaasantos

throwback to when the car insurance lady asked my mom for front, rear, & side views but she didn’t get the memo..