My husband is playing Super Mario Bros with our sons and one of them is having a MAJOR tantrum. Sadly, it’s my husband.
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I accidentally relaxed my shoulders at work today and shapeshifted into a doormat.
Me: I don’t understand why I’m not losing weight.
Husband: Maybe it’s the 5,000 calories in gummies you eat every day.
Me: They’re vitamins!
i told my dermatologist if she couldn’t get rid of my acne i’d kill myself and she referred me to a “psychologist,” which i have to assume is just a better dermatologist?
Buys new collar for my dog. It’s too big! Apparently he thinks it’s jewelry and won’t let me take it off.
[driving to occult ceremony]
“I’m just gonna have one sacred elixir”
[2 hours later]
[floating in midair chugging straight from the ram’s skull] BEQUEATH ME ANOTHER
[rooster sits down in barber chair]
Give me a cockadoodledo
How do animals in children’s books always have nicer houses than mine when they don’t have jobs & all they do all day is learn life lessons?
Autocorrect changed “stranger” to “strangler” & it made me wonder how often I must have written about murdering people to teach it that.
Treat your SO like your cell phone. Even if you’re not paying attention to them, keep them safe in your pocket
Whenever I left a door open, my mum would ask if I was born in a barn, which is odd because you’d think she’d remember something like that.
It’s 2024 and we have Batman shampoo but STILL no Conditioner Gordon.
Husband: How’s your diet going?
Me: *scraping cheese off his burger wrapper with my teeth* Fine.
me: wow, i wish i had a life as simple as a dog. they never do anything except sit there and nap all day and they’re so content.
also me: *is on the third day in a row of watching netflix on the couch for 9 hours straight*
Want to feel old? Have sex with someone your own age.
saw a garbage truck with the tagline “our business stinks, but it’s picking up!” pretty good imo.
Fun fact: The worst time to suffer a heart attack is while playing charades.
Jehovah’s witnesses don’t celebrate Halloween, I’m guessing it’s because they don’t appreciate random people coming up to their doors.
boba fett is short for robert fettuccine
My can opener broke so now it’s a can’t opener.
Relax, folks. The dentist apologized for killing #CecilTheLion after he found out Cecil was famous. He meant to murder a NON-famous lion.
A penny for your thoughts, a dollar if you keep them to yourself.
Me: *laughing in the face of danger*
Danger: *kills me*
Attention!! To Whomever has my voodoo doll… I could really use a back rub.
Girl dog: I’m into bad boys
Guy dog: [remembering his owner saying how much of a good boy he is] ..oh
*crumples a hamburger next to the phone* sorry, i’m having trouble hearing u over this delicious hamburger noise call u later ok
I put my laptop in incognito mode but it still has “DELL” written on its lid in big letters, so it obviously hasn’t worked.
*Giant boulder slowly crushes several hundred cats*
Guy who’s about to invent the bagpipes: Hey, this gives me an idea!
How to make-out –
1. Hold her close
2. Kiss passionately
3. Don’t mention the budget deficit or your father
My driver’s license says I’m an organ donor but jokes on them because I have a piano.
BOSS: I want to see you in my office.
ME: Wow, thanks. You can have my cubicle.