My husband is setting up a new cell phone and listening to him play every single ring and text tone is exactly what I imagine hell is like.
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I woke up this morning and my hair looked like a Beatles lyric.
Here, there, and everywhere.
I really don’t have much respect for those that take drugs and alcohol.
Like Customs, for example.
I’m going to be a printer today and just not work.
#ThingsThatAnnoyMe people who do this at school and I’m just like..
Sorry kids, if Santa were real he’d have a podcast by now
Sandra the orangutang started washing her hands because she saw all the zookeepers doing it repeatedly during the COVID-19 crisis.
Wash your hands.
Be more like Sandra.🌎❤️🧼🌎
ACCOUNTANT: So you want to write off 5000 bat-shaped boomerangs??
BATMAN, intense voice: They’re essential for my war on crime!
ACCOUNTANT: That’s fine, but claiming *boomerangs* as an *unrecoverable* business expense…
BATMAN, normal voice: Oh yeah, no, yeah, I see your point.
My dog and I both lose our minds when the doorbell rings but for totally opposite reasons……….I don’t want company
SUN: [explodes]
ME: are you mad at me
Was asked to work on a team project. Seems “I’d rather give a rabid mountain lion a prostate exam” was not the answer they were looking for.
My neighbour called out “cheer up” today so I asked if he was moving house
the vatican should not be allowed to name any new saints until God sorts out my numerous issues with the citibank web portal
They say the more people you see joggin in a neighborhood the more expensive property taxes will be…That’s why I never jog bc I’m just a really really good neighbor
When you don’t even acknowledge I held a door open for you, I want to pull you back inside by your neck, and say “now let’s try this again.”
wife [text] I’m so proud of you for sticking to your diet
me [can’t respond because there’s powdered donut on my fingers]
He told me to come dressed to kill for our first date…
I now realise my Freddie Krueger outfit was not what he had in mind
[5:00 AM, in a harsh whisper]
Daddy, don’t worry, you can sleep. I’m making my own breakfast, how do you turn on the stove?
Me: I’m up.
We buried our grandad with his exercise bike – he’s spinning in his grave.
‘Escalator’ is what He-Man’s enemy is called in Spain.
When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.
I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?
“So lucky our kids have siblings so they’ll always be there for each other,” I mutter as I break up another physical fight between my daughters because they both want to be Hermione Granger for Halloween.
Yup
I was on the fence about starting a new diet, but then the fence broke.
My cat has learned to help himself to snacks so obviously this homeschooling is a raging success.
Man sheep: thanks for coming out tonight.
Lady sheep: *blushing* thanks for asking me.
Man sheep: *opening door* you’re going to love this place. It’s All Ewe Can Eat.
I love travelling because I love to check if I have my passport every 3-4 minutes 🥰
Boss: why are your eyes red?
Me: I got shampoo in them
Boss: we’ve talked about this
Me: *sighs* don’t wash eyelashes
Boss: mhm
Me: but you can’t deny this volume
Boss: oh I am painfully jealous
People who say ‘mayo’ instead of ‘mayonnaise’ live 12 years longer cos of all the time they save
2015:hey how’s it going so far?
2016:uh good
15:
16:
15:you’ve got an armed mili-
16:we’ve got an armed militia in a wildlife building, yeah