My husband is totally okay with period sex so I dress up like Abraham Lincoln.
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call me an overworked optometrist the way eye care too much
Neighbors act like they’ve never seen someone wearing a bath towel, chasing after a Garbage Truck before.
Me [sending a text to my mom meant for my bestie]: can’t, doing hot girl shit
Mom [after 20 min of typing]: Honey, have you prayed about this?
Mom: Aww she is having so much fun!
Child (blowing bubbles and popping them): I CREATE AND DESTROY. I AM A GOD.
Me: I bought an elephant.
Wife: how much did it cost?
Me: I don’t rem-
Elephant: $32,872.
Wife:
Me:
Elephant: I have an excellent memory.
Me: but he was on sale!
Wife: were you?
Elephant: no.
Him: I won’t bore you with the details.
Me: Too late for that.
I can tell the way my kids inherited my sarcasm by the way I want to punch them in the face every time they use it.
Me: Why did I walk in this room?
My brain: Not sure but here’s a song from 2005 I’m gonna play on repeat for the next 10 hours.
People say you have to study Shakespeare in school, but Shakespeare never studied Shakespeare and look at him. He became Shakespeare.
When I was a kid $100 was a lot of money. Just like it is now.
If your phone rings during a movie, answer it “Yes, Mr. President. Right away, sir!” And then run head first through the screen.
Never eat the free guacamole at a sushi restaurant. It’s always waaay too spicy and doesn’t taste anything like avocados.
me: the heart wants what the heart wants
heart: please stop drin-
me: whiskey it is
I love eating Swiss pancakes. They’re like regular pancakes but neutral, so I can eat as many as I want.
[to the tune of little drummer boy]
baaaaby shaaark, doo
doo doo doo doo doo
I got a shopping cart today with 4 working wheels, it was full of lingerie models and self confidence and I was dreaming
FRIEND: I just found out my kid lost another tooth
ME: Really? Which one?
FRIEND: Katie
ME: Wow, I didn’t know your kid named his teeth
Is it wrong, to put people on your bucket list?
*my casket slowly begins lowering into the ground*
me, knocking from inside: “Wait, I have to pee.”
The eyes are the window to the soul which is why I’m throwing pebbles at your face.
that awkward moment when a friend is complaining about their spouse, but you start to identify with the spouse
I can’t wait for this whole ordeal to be over, so my favorite pizza place can go back to rubbing their bare hands and feet all over my pizza before delivering it to me, like the good Lord intended.
“You have such a great personality”
Me: Thanks, I collect them.
Jobs I’d be shit at:
-brain surgeon
-rocket scientist
-ventriloquist
-goat herder
-sober person thingy
I want to be the reason you look at your phone and smile while walking and then hit your head on a pole and faint. 🤪😂
Meteorologists are always talking about the weather and hardly ever about meteors.
TSA: Sir, you can’t bring that bottle of whiskey on the flight.
Me: Um, this is my Service Whiskey. See his little vest?
TSA: ….
I hide the fact that I can’t swim by eating every 15 minutes.
No thank you GPS.I have this magic ring on my left hand that connects me to the nice young lady in the passenger’s seat who knows everything