My husband is traveling and my 9yo wants to talk to me about our “sleeping situation” tonight. I’m never getting the bed to myself again, am I?
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15: I’m starving! There’s nothing to eat. What are you having for lunch?
Me: grapes
15: Nice! We have grapes?!
Me: *sips wine* nope
If someone is better at something than you, learn from them, let them teach you, or bathe in their blood so you can absorb their power.
Who called it condensed milk instead of mk?
I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.
Cop: Pullover!
Me: It’s a cardigan.
If you want to go on a wild adventure then just let your kid make up the rules for a board game
Newton’s daughter had dem apple fallin genes, boots with the fur
stopped to pee at a McDonner’s
Ate shrooms & I feel nothing. Just an awful taste in my mouth. Also the dealer overcharged me. Also he’s a centaur with spiders for lips
I get into bed.
Husband is already asleep.
I must build a pillow fort between us to keep his hot breath off of my face.
Marriage is fun.
The best part about being thirty is that I’m finally old enough to play a high schooler in movies.
Our middle child says we neglect him/her.
at this point space aliens could land on earth on sunday night before the election & we’d all go yeah ok whatever
going to therapy when I’m having a good mental health day stresses me out because what if the therapist is like you seem fine go home I never wanna see you again
[Grandma’s funeral]
(Turning to friend) She knitted that whole coffin
(team meeting)
boss: i’ve always had a no nonsense, take no prisoners approach to…excuse me but what’s with all the looks of disdain?
me: what? oh yeah…since we dropped the mask mandate, it’s difficult to remember that my face isn’t covered.
boss:
ME: Would you ever get a tattoo?
DAD: I don’t even highlight in books
We’ve all talked about throwing a dirty dish away instead of washing it. But only some of us have done it.
terminator extends hand: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: i said come with me if
me: i heard you the first time
The neighbor’s wind chimes sound like they might disappear in a horrible accident.
Mothers just don’t eat their young like they used to.
She asked me to buy Tampons so I bought Kotex, because that one time I wanted ice cream and she bought frozen yogurt.
My kids built a fort last night and it’s the cleanest room in the entire house.
NURSE: The other nurses and I bought you this box of chocolates for Valentines Day!
DR DOG: You’re joking, right?
Everyone knows there’s no such thing as a zombie army. The proper name is the Marine Corpse.
Oh, more embarrassing things I have done as a lawyer:
While working from home, I joined zoom court with my microphone on, not realized it, and reacted to a knock at the door by yelling “I swear to god I am in court right now!” And the judge said, “yes, you are.”
[interview]
HIM: What are your strengths?
ME: Well, I can see dead people.
HIM: Wow, interesting. Any hobbies?
ME: Grave digging
Right after Marie Kondo we went through a year of buying crap we don’t need out of sheer cabin fever.
This gym has a very strict rule no denim jeans or jorts. But if you’re 300 lbs of muscle & attitude, apparently it’s merely a suggestion.