Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

People will say stuff like “well at least if WWIII happens I won’t have to go to work…” I think in your heart you know that’s not true

don’t ask what my resolution is. there are 3 days left in this garbage year and i am focusing on being my worst possible self for every minute of them. “exercise more” “eat better” go to hell, im gonna burn down a tgi fridays

I’m eating cheese paired with cheese crackers because self-care is dairy important to me

I hate when my boyfriend’s snoring wakes me up and then I realize it was my snoring and I don’t have a boyfriend and I’m going to die alone.

I have just completed knitting a tiny sweater for my one true friend, who is a grape.

Make librarians cry by calling it a “Book Museum” while taking pictures with your iPad.

Accidentally walked into the men’s room so I just went ahead and used the urinal so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.

Oh sure, when the Fonz uses a public bathroom as his office, he’s “cool”, but when I do it, I’m a “creep”.

Why do people try to trick babies into thinking airplanes are delicious?

A gingerbread man sits inside a gingerbread house. Is the house made of flesh? Or is he made of house? He screams, for he does not know.

I asked my kid if his room was clean and that little shit cackled and asked Alexa if it was “Stupid Question Day”

Listen up, guys

Neil Diamond is the name of a famous American singer-songwriter but it’s also a checklist for anyone about to propose

Parenting is great if you want to relive every moment from your childhood when your parents got mad at you – from your parents’ perspective.

I just discovered that Flemish rabbits are pregnant for only one month but my jealousy went away when I found out they give birth to litters of 5-12 at a time, I guess I’ll stick to being human

Having an authentic Thanksgiving celebration this year. I’m giving my family smallpox.

I have no idea what she’s talking about.

[baby finally falls asleep]

ME: *tip toes to couch* I can finally relax

DOG: I’M GONNA BARK FOR NO REASON

Accidentally used the dog’s shampoo today, and I’m feeling like such a good girl.

Judge: I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation

Me: *floating*

My son asked why my legs are “so fat.” You’re damn right I’m here for validation.

ME: (signing) What color are apples?
BOBO THE GORILLA: (signing) Please free me from this prison
ME: (writing) Still struggling with colors

forgive me baja for i have blast

me: you’re killing it

my murderer: that’s so nice of you to say

when I was a kid I was terrified of being born on feb 29 even though I had already been born

Some of you won’t be ready for pumpkin spice in 2 months and it shows.

Parenting explained

Them: Do you know the last time you went to the dentist?
My kids: Look at mom

Them: How do you want your steak cooked?
My kids: Look at dad

So we have to sing happy birthday when we wash our hands but what key though WHAT KEY

Marriage is an institution. So is the mental hospital.

*Poltergeist tosses dishes out of the cabinet, rips the chandelier from the ceiling, pulls and severs the WiFi router from the wall, then screams like a banshee as it flies down the hallway*

13 Year Old Son: I’m bored.