My husband is turning 58 tomorrow. Join me wishing him “Jesus, you’re how old?”
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@hadafewbeers @funTweeters 92 just broke a hip! 🎉
Spice Girls really missed out when they wouldn’t let that girl Pumpkin be in the group
anyone have any tips for making eggs that won’t leave my toaster a huge mess?
Jesus, don’t take the wheel. Give me your keys. Sober up.
*hands cup of water*
DON’T TURN THAT INTO WINE AGAIN
One time I met a karate instructor who didn’t have a ponytail so I called the police
My skin is so dry it’s doing a PowerPoint presentation
Terrorist Threat Level: Porcupine
“What are you doing here?”
I just got fired from the circus
“Oh my”
Yeah, the calibration on my cannon was way off. I landed in your pond
There’s a whole baby vegetable industry that makes me wonder if we might be monsters.
The neighbours that overlook my garden must be religious. They’re always buying me pants with notes saying ‘for the love of God please wear these’.
cop: i pulled you over for going 68 in a 55
me: dang, 68? can you make that number a little cooler so i can hear the judge read it out loud haha
cop: sure whatever
[later in traffic court]
judge: how were you going 420 in a 55
‘….annnnnnd now you have TWO hours before you have to get up.’
~The monster under my bed
saw this yesterday and it’s lived in my head rent free ever since, just perfection
My ex did that thing where if I made a joke, he’d repeat it louder & try to take credit for it. So I started sharing incorrect facts with him which he’d blindly believe & repeat to others. He tried to convince his boss that tofu was made from recycled erasers. His boss was vegan.
“My safe word was Worcestershire.”
— A ghost
I weighed myself today,
then I ate the scale.
Every day Stephen King and I both:
1. Get up
2. Terrify People
3. Tweet
[Car breaks down]
Me:*inspecting engine*
Date: is everything ok?
Me: *nervously searching 100 now empty hamster wheels* haha..y-yep
“Girl, same.”
– Midwife, handing a mother the second of her newborn identical twins.
You come into my house on this, the day of my dark chocolate soy milk’s expiration?
[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
[walking somewhere]
My cat: I’M GOING TO GET THERE FIRST!!
“I have the memory ofGOD DAMMIT LINE PLEASE!”
“An elephant, Dumbo. You have the memory of an elephant.”
“
What if aliens watch our movies about aliens and then invade accordingly in hopes of fitting in with our culture?
alien graffiti can be pretty hurtful 😔
Wife: Your life insurance premium paid up?
Me: Yeah.
Wife: Good.
Me: Why?
Wife: No reason.
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Here, taste this.
My son gave me a list of things he’d like in his Easter basket.
This isn’t Christmas, kid. Do you want a chocolate bunny or not?
Meanwhile, during my children’s baptism into the Catholic church …
Priest: Do you renounce Satan and all his works?
My 5yo son: *scrunching up his face* Sometimes.
Me: So Christ’s body is the bread?
Priest: yes
Me: and he rose from the grave
Priest: yes…
Me: because of the yeast?
Priest: no
Me: okay, none of this makes sense