My husband: It’d be nice to have a wife who cooked dinner.
Me: ooo!! Can we get one?
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Don’t ring my doorbell unless you’re accompanied by a camera crew and holding balloons & a big check.
Sure, being a lion tamer is dangerous but have you ever gotten a haircut while you had the hiccups?
Her: Have you seen the salsa?
Me: Yes. I must have left it in the bathroom
Her:
This is now my favourite pie chart ever.
A stranger on the internet told me I probably have better things to do than spend time on Twitter.
It’s like he doesn’t even know me at all.
Not an. Officer sitting next to me …. Now I can’t drink my… er.. water
To me, the worst part of the prostate exam is when the doctor says, “Guess how many fingers.”
“The other day” -me talking about something that happened 27 years ago
Roses are red, violets are blue, vodka costs less than a dinner for two.
THE INVENTOR OF HAND SANITIZER: who’s the paranoid one now huh, WHO’S THE PARANOID ONE NOW
Sweetie if I was fake, I would pretend to be someone awesome and not a lonely weirdo.
Instagram now has video! I’m going to film the hell out of this salad!
shout out to camera phones not being invented until well after my glo-stick period
Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.
#Friyay
Noah’s Ark was so unrealistic. Have you ever tried to pen up velociraptors? Did the guy who wrote the Bible even watch Jurassic Park first?
[Hospital]
Doctor:”…and so the baby is fine.”
Me:”And my wife?”
Doc:”I’m afraid she’s critical”
Me:”I know! But how is she?”
i couldn’t figure out why i’ve had a headache all day until I heard 8 and 6 arguing about who remembered more about the emoji movie.
My wife handed me a clean towel and told me to “put it in its place.” So, I looked at it and said, “Don’t forget that you’re only a towel,” and I was reminded yet again of just how lucky this woman was to be married to me.
I asked my husband what he wanted for Father’s Day & he said silence & then we all laughed & laughed & the kids went back to breaking the sound barrier.
The bear sleeping bag is completely awesome.
At this stage of my life, “Good in Bed” means not snoring or stealing the covers.
The fun thing about Airbnb’s is that you get to clean someone else’s house on your vacation
Cinderella was a mess. I mean, I have bad taste in men, but at least I never settled for a guy who couldn’t remember what my face looked like.
pet owner’s tip: glue the very tip of your cat’s tail to the center of their back to make a convenient cat-carrying handle.
My cousin just announced that he and his wife are pregnant with their second child.
I had a big announcement too, but I guess getting a 24-pack of hot dogs for $2 will just have to wait.
When I make my first million, Im switching from 2 ply toilet paper to white bread.
Just ordered me some pizza!
In English, a double negative forms a positive. in some languages, like Russian, a double negative is still a negative. In no language in the world can a double positive form a negative.
yeah…. right…
Her idea of extending an olive branch was to sharpen one end first, then extend it REALLY hard.
Ex-Girlfriend: I heard you & your new girlfriend are having problems… Well, you’ve always got my number.
Me: Yes, is it still 666?